The Controversy Around Being A Man
There was quite a bit of controversy around my recent post, What Women Want In A Man. Some people took offense, some sided with my ideas, and some remained neutral. I believe that I did not do justice to some of my ideas when transferring them from my head to my writing. I apologize and take responsibility for the miscommunication, since it is my job as a writer to communicate effectively. I can see how some of the things I said sounded chauvinistic (i did not intend to hurt or single out a group of people), so I’m going to readdress and clarify them.
Ok, so here’s the shocker, what women want is…. a man. If that didn’t click, allow me to explain. In the hunter-gatherer days, men ruled with an iron fist. There was no question about who was the leader of the tribe, and there was no question about the roles in those societies. Am I being sexist? Do I believe that women shouldn’t be CEOs of huge corporations or President’s of great nations? Keep reading.
I can see how talking about hunter-gather days and genetics can seem a tad outdated. The successful relationships that I witness in my life consist of a masculine man and a feminine woman. These relationships look happy, fun, and loving. The men always make sure the women are well taken care of and enjoy their company at all times. They are gentlemen.
Do I believe that women shouldn’t be CEOs of huge corporations or President’s of great nations? No, this is not my belief. Any person that is the best candidate for the job, based on all necessary requirements, should have an equal opportunity, treatment and salary.
Within the male-female dynamic, a woman wants their man to be the leader. They WANT the man to make the decisions… it’s easier, they have one less thing to worry about, and they can’t really explain it, but it looks good on their guy.
I’ve talked this one over with some of my friends that are very successful in relationships. When women want a man that will make decisions, it isn’t really about having one less thing to worry about. It has to do with the fact that decisiveness is a leadership trait, which is very admirable.
It is my belief that a woman would want a man that has strong desirable traits vs. weak non-desirable traits. The higher value that a man can prove himself to be, the higher value mates he will attract and vice versa. It would be an injustice to pick somebody with a weak undesirable character trait, when there is another male with a strong desirable character trait available to be chosen. The injustice would be to the future family of this couple, because the point is to do the best for yourself that you can. So yes, decisiveness and leadership are traits that look good on a guy.
Women want to be reprimanded. They’re constantly testing a man, to see if he really is the dominant leader type that they need in their life. They may start off with an innapropriate comment, unpleasant action, or other trivial situation. Woman need to be put in their place. “Listen, that was not appropriate (or that was not okay to do) so don’t do that again.” Those magic words will get you impressive results.
Treat people with respect, and expect respect in return. My comment about reprimanding women means the following. From the high quality relationships that I have witnessed in my life, the men have certain standards of behavior and respect for both themselves and people in the life. They expect for the women to respect their personal rules for their life, their time and their property. If a woman somehow disrespects them, their time, or their property they let her know that this is not acceptable. This is true for all people, everyone who deserves respect.
These high quality men consider themselves first (sometimes that means they must consider what their partner is going through VERY carefully). They know that their well-being and their happiness will resonate with the people around them, and in turn everyone wins. Imagine always putting other people first, neglecting your health and ending up on a death bed. What good are you to your family then? When should you have put yourself first?
The concept applies to other things, such as happiness. If you do not put your own happiness first, then you are doing a disservice to the people in your life. By putting other’s happiness first, you steer yourself towards a life without fulfillment. This is why I say not to go out of your way for a woman, unless going out of your way makes you happy too.
Women do not want a man that they can manipulate. If a woman knows that she can do something that will piss you off, and you let her know it, she’ll just do it again and again. Remember that this is your reality, and the other person is just a visitor. Their stay is welcome just as long as they behave.
This doesn’t mean that women try to do things intentionally to mess up things that men do, and they don’t necessarily do them over and over and over, because that’s just wrong. However, I feel like they unintentionally do things that will test a man at a subtle level to see if he’s really a man.
There are certain important qualities that a woman needs to know (must find out) about a man, but can not ask, because she may be lied to. They want to know if a man will care for them, support them, be a good person, have high integrity and be a leader. This is why I said; do not cry in front of your woman, she will lose respect for you. A woman wants a man that can handle himself, when push comes to shove. Someone that will be able to protect her and their family if need be. Sometimes it just isn’t a good idea to let your guard down, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone.
If they wanted to sit around and cry, they would call up their girlfriends and have a tissue party. Guys, if you’ve cried in front of a girl for any reason other than to grieve the loss of a dearly beloved, then you’ve lost all their respect, and you will never get it back. Move on, reevaluate life, be a man next time.
This is another situation where a man must stand his ground, because he is always being tested to see what type of character he really has. As I previously mentioned, women need to test their men, to be sure that they are of the quality that they seek for themselves and their family. Exhibiting signs of weakness is unattractive, and will make or break the opinion that a woman has of a man if done early enough in a relationship.
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I chose to write about these certain character traits because I have personally seen them used in successful relationships that involve high quality people. Some men are nearly born with great character traits, while some need to practice them as if they were skills, until they possess these traits.
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As always, I have a lot of respect for the opinion of my readers. You really are what makes this site, otherwise I would just be talking to myself. I would love to hear any constructive criticisms in the comments below.
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Despite your clarifications, I think you are grossly overgeneralising here. You will attract into your life the person that is right for you at that time (actually I think this is true of both romantic relationships and others), whether that be for you both to live happily ever after, or because one of you has something to learn from the dynamic between you.
It is much healthier not to consider any relationship to have failed, especially when you will certainly have grown as a person if you take the time to understand why a relationship needed to come to an end when it did. This will help to attract a different person into your life that doesn’t try to teach you the lesson that you didn’t learn yet all over again.
I also have to say that you will be doing yourself a disservice if you try to behave as though you’re a person that you are not. When you are happily sharing your life with the right partner, part of the joy of that relationship is that you both get to be yourselves; to behave as you want to, and to be understood and appreciated by your other half just for being who you are. Is `being a man’ as you describe it not also a subtle manipulation of your partner?; you are trying to make them believe you are not just Alex Shalman, but `a man’?
Your ex-partner no doubt taught you what traits you wish to avoid in your future relationships, and you would be better served by someone who doesn’t try to be `a woman’ for you, but is just herself so that you can rest assured that it is she you enjoy being with. Similarly, you need to offer the same respect to anyone you date so that they can decide whether you have the traits they desire in a partner. It may mean you have to date for much longer before you find the person you want to spend most of your time with, but it also means you won’t waste both of your time trying to figure out whether you are each involved with the person you think you are…
Hope that’s useful (and not too long winded
Unfortunately, your attempt at clarity is like adding fresh water to mud. It is still mud. I suggest you leave the topic of women and your views on women and what you perceive to be “high quality people” (offensive in itself) off your site until you recognize that at the tender age of 22 you are still a toddler in the relationship arena. Remain a student who watches and listens and asks questions. Your professorial days are yet far ahead of you when hopefully are matured, mellowed, a little worse for wear and can speak with some real knowledge. Even though relationships and their analysis are part of personal development imagine if you had explained what happened to you (generally) and told your readers you were looking for their collective wisdom to help you through this…you would have gotten insight, created an engaging conversation and people would have contributed value and felt valued. You would have learned something…..another gift of blogging…..and not come across (and still come across) as offensive in your language and tone.
Thanks for responding. I would personally prefer to choose a person that fits as close as possible to what I envision my dream girl to be (more on this in a later post). Instead of investing in their potential of who they want to grow into, I want someone that is all grown up. Not to say that there won’t be room for growth after we’re together, that would be absurd.
It’s not about making anyone believe anything. It’s about being a man, Alex Shalman a man.
Gayle, as I’ve mentioned, my intention and my tone are not meant to come off as offensive. There is still a miscommunication coming through. I did ask people in my life about this situation, and the above post is a collective work, involving several people in my life that are very successful in relationships. I’m not arrogant enough to think I know everything, but I will add that I have a high regard for the people that worked with me on this.
Remember, there will always be people that will disagree with what I write. I won’t let that stop me from doing the best I can to relay my experiences to my readers.
Hi Alex,
Are your first two paragraphs in response to me?
If so, perhaps you missed my point: I agree that you should aim to partner with your dream woman; what I am saying is that for you to have your best chance to know you’ve found her, you’ll want her to be being herself, rather than trying to be what she thinks you’ll want in a woman. And in return, to give her the best chance of discovering that Alex Shalman is her dream guy, you should aim to be yourself, not pretend to be what you think she wants in ‘a man’.
Growing during the relationship is another issue entirely beside that point.
Gary,
It’s not about pretending to be someone you’re not. The fact is that I am a more evolved person everyday. Everyday I experience growth. I am not who I was last week.
Whenever you want to adopt a new (better) trait, you have to tell yourself that you are that trait, and exhibit its qualities while you quickly adopt that trait as a habit.
If you subscribe to the belief that you are fine just the way you are, you will do absolutely nothing to improve yourself. If you are completely happy with being who you are, even if that person is of low integrity, self-esteem, health, and this is where you want to be for the rest of your life. Than that is a completely different story. That is not the type of person that I am.
For me, growth is essential. That is one of the qualities I look for in a person I want to be close friends with or date. Constantly growing. If I don’t feel growing pangs I feel like I am not growing fast enough.
Hey Alex,
What I love about blogging is that everyone has a different perspective. I do appreciate that you are willing to put yours out there….but I don’t agree with your fundamental premise.
I actually believe that many of the issues we see in relationships today are NOT born from men or women not standing their ground…but on the contrary in men or women NOT being unconditionally FORGIVING and understanding.
This doesn’t mean that we should all sing kumbaya all day long, but it does mean that we should eradicate judgement and press a pin to our ego every now and then.
Some of the “strongest” leaders the world have ever seen have also been the most forgiving. This is what we need to practice in our daily lives.
Again, this is my perspective.
Alex,
I’m kind of in the same boat as Ravi. A good relationship is all about balance, not authority. Yes, women prefer confident men, but there’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Step over that, and women will drop you like a hot potato.
One of the commentators (Sherrie) in your original post had this to say:
“There is NO answer to the question “what do women want” - because the question itself is fatally flawed.
When you realize that, you will “get it.” ”
I completely agree with her. Rather than trying to figure out what you should or should not be doing with regards to women, why don’t you try to figure out what Sherrie meant?
I’ll give you a clue. At least 2 women who have commented on your posts have told you the answer in one way or the other. I’ll leave it to you to figure it out. Call it a lesson in personal development.
Hi Alex,
I agree with all that you’ve said in the comments, and applaud that you are passionate about not stagnating, about always growing and achieving — it is what makes your blog so interesting.
I see that I’ve offered advice where none was asked for, and I’m truly sorry for having given offence. Like Ravi says, I can only show you my perspective (it’s the only one I have!), and you are free to take something from it or to reject it entirely.
I look forward to reading more of your perspectives here, and gaining more insight about myself as I do so.
Cheers,
Gary
You’re all right, on the respective level. I actually don’t see any contradictions in the different arguments in the comments.
My 2 pennies on the issue of what women want is that it is no different than what men want.
Clarified, what I mean by that is that when people choose a mate, they choose that person because they want that person to be who that person already is, not to be molded into a new person as a result of the present relationship.
I think you will find both men and women who want more or less of a leadership role in a relationship, and if you opened up this discussion to include homosexual or lesbian relationships (and I’m not suggesting we do!), then the whole issue becomes even more cloudy.
I sum it up to say that people want their relationship partners to bring a certain “something” to that relationship, and whether you are a man or a woman, you expect your mate to deliver on your perception of what you expect them to bring to the table.
So, it’s all clear as mud now, right?
As an aside, I’ve been corresponding with Alex consistently for several months now, and I’ve never found him to be chauvinistic or demeaning in any way. Does that make me an expert judge of his character? No, but I WILL keep reading his blog.
Wow, you really pissed some women off with this one. Agree or disagree I’m not sure, but those are dangerous waters. Thanks for the lesson.
Hi Alex.
I agree that women like confident men. But don’t you think men like confident women? I think confident, optimistic people are always more attractive lovers, friends, colleagues, etc.
As far as the hunter-gatherer stuff goes, I think that’s an overused mischaracterization of familial roles. I believe that most men who rely upon it in arguments imagine that the women in those days were just sitting around waiting for their men to come home. Society never operated, and never could operate, if one spouse was responsible for all the duties and the other spouse did nothing. If you want to look at history, consider the U.S. during the world wars or the Spartans when they ruled the Greek world. In those instances, men were off fighting while women had to work to support the infrastructure, make money to provide for their own families, and raise their children, all at the same time.
As to your opinions of the relationships you’ve seen that are successful, you may want to reconsider what each partner to these relationships does on a daily basis. I think you’ll find in every instance that the husband and the wife both have extremely important roles. If you’re already of the opinion that household chores are not valuable and you plan to delegate them all to your future wife, I assure you that you will either have a very unhappy marriage or have a drone for a wife. Even if your ideal woman is someone who will dutifully keep a clean house and iron all your clothes, you better develop an honest appreciation for the value of that work if you want things to work out.
In any event, I applaud you for sharing your views. Hopefully the responses you’re receiving will help you grow as a person.
Hi Alex,
Wow! I must say that I was quite surprised to see this post. I am relatively new to your blog and have enjoyed reading it. However, this post concerned me for several reasons. Your descriptions seem very old fashioned at best and perhaps a bit misogynistic at worst.
Rather than rant about how I was offended by your descriptions, I would like to offer you some resources to help you learn more about healthy and enlightened relationships.
If you are really interested in being a healthy man in a relationship, I suggest you check out The Relationship Toolkit. These 2 CDs are made by a father and son team who are great examples of enlightened men who understand relationships. For some guidelines on spiritual partnerships check out Gary Zukav. Finally, check out Gay and Katie Hendricks.
I hope that you find these resources helpful on your journey. I understand that you are young and haven’t had a lot of relationship experience. Your descriptions seem to indicate that you believe you need to restrict your development and fit into a certain role - perhaps these men will show you that you can be a whole person AND have a healthy relationship.
Kirsten
Thank you for the advice Kristen. I will look into the above mentioned resources. You can be sure that I am not restricting my development in the least. My reality is constantly evolving. I’m actually going through a big phase shift right now as far as relationships go and am coming up with new revelations almost daily.
I couldn’t even keep up with them all if I wanted to blog them! That’s whats fun about learning… there’s constantly something new!
Alex,
Ditto what Kirsten said. Plus it probably wouldn’t hurt you to listen to some Al Green.
Pick up this album:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27m_Still_in_Love_with_You_%28Al_Green_album%29
and really listen to what the man is saying.
Al Green has probably had more women in love with him than you and I combined will have in our entire lives.
Hi Alex,
You are right about personal development… there is always something new and always something more we can learn.
It seems that you are doing a lot of personal growth work - and I commend you for doing this work. I do think you will find those resources helpful. I believe these men will show you a different way to be a man. When you are fully confident in yourself and your masculinity, I think you will find that you don’t need to dominate and control your partner… you will be able to enter a mutually respectful and loving relationship as equal partners. This type of relationship is far more rewarding than the type you described in this post.
Thanks for being open to discussion about this controversial post.
Kirsten
Thanks Scott, I’ll look at that.
Kirsten. I do not have the belief that dominating and controlling is good, right, fun, etc. It’s not about that at all. It is a lot more fun when you give somebody choices! Thanks for chiming in again!
It is my experience that women want a strong man. But there are many forms of strength.
Most men are afraid to cry and express emotions. It can be a sign of strength for a man to cry and express his emotions.
A man not present with his emotions is not in his integrity.
It is one kind of strength not to be manipulated by a woman. It is an even greater strength to refrain from reprimanding the person you love.
A man of strength has the power to respond with kindness and love, instead of react as if he were offended by his partners behavior.
For a man to express himself with love and respect is a kind of strength and power women are drawn to. It is an emotional strength and in that strength a woman can feel emotionally safe.
When a man has this type of internal emotional awareness and strength he has the power to be himself. He also has the love and respect to let his partner be her self.
When it comes to matters of relationship it is best to be specific about these things.
Gary - Well said! What a beautiful response. I couldn’t agree more about the strength it takes to be in touch with and express emotions. I checked your site and have added your blog to my reader.
Kirsten
Thanks Gary, those are good points you bring up.
About the comment,
“If you subscribe to the belief that you are fine just the way you are, you will do absolutely nothing to improve yourself.”
I don’t see any truth in this. It assumes all growth comes from a dissatisfaction or lack of acceptance of one self.
If I follow this paradigm then I will grow the most when I am in the least acceptance of myself. Certainly this can not be the only option.
My experience is that we grow more in in the inspiration of love than through self judgment.
When children grow better when we find dissatisfaction with them and do not accept them the way they are? Or do they grow more through inspiration as we love them and accept them.
In the beginning a person’s personal growth is often motivated out of something they find wrong. But we can out grow that consciousness if we allow our self to grow enough. We can outgrow self judgment.
When we do our motivation to grow and become more conscious and happy, is motivated out of love for our self. This makes personal growth even more fun and exciting and accelerates the process.
No miscommunication here, Alex. Your views are offensive and any way you try to explain it, you’re going to run into trouble.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Your views on both men and women are preposterous. “Masculine” men and “feminine” women? “Women like to be reprimanded”?! If this isn’t intended as comedy, then it must be tragedy; it’s hard to believe that a young person could hold such antiquated and misogynistic views in the 21st century. And yes, it is misogynistic to espouse (and promote) views of women that are designed to subordinate their role to that of men.
A strong marriage is based on a balance of power. Women and men share in decision making; it’s not the jurisdiction of the husband. As for your “high quality people” with the kind of relationships you describe — if your assessment of the relationship dynamic is accurate, I think you can expect to see divorces in their future — or dependence on alcohol, Prozac (or fundamentalist Christianity) as means of numbing the reality of the power imbalance in the relationship.
Your views demean both men and women. I think that most (mature) men want a confident and capable woman. Most (mature) women want a man who is capable of expressing emotion.
I’m glad that you concede you have much to learn. Do yourself a favour; take some time to learn those lessons before you leap into the kind of relationship you imagine you want right now. Many of those posting here are speaking from the vantage point of experience. Listen up.
Gary, thank you for your on going contribution to the conversation. It is the unwillingness to change and the fear the growth that leads one to do absolutely nothing to improve themselves. A good environment and balance are key to fast and balanced growth.
Thank you for commenting. Your views are very interesting to me, and probably represent that of many readers here. I don’t actually see things the way you described, but I think I will leave that up to a future post.
P.S. did you just related Prozac to Christianity? I didn’t understand what you meant, so if you care to elaborate, please do.
When I want a man to make decisions … I’ll tell him to. Otherwise, I can make up my own mind thank you. Also, I reserve the right to change my mind (something many men have trouble with). I am not going to waste my time on false illusions.
Also, the main reason I want a man that can make decisions is because I want power and status for myself. If I can get some extra from his reflection, well, that is easy. Usually I don’t get the opportunity to be included in the decisions, especially at work. Many times the results suffer because I am not allowed to be included on my own merits.
Now, to take these symptoms and turn them into “truths” only blames the victim (women). So obviously, I find this whole article really oblivious to the deeper truths that are involved. What a crock!