Can You Really Be Loved For Who You Are?
There was a reader submitted e-mail in my inbox that I thought I would address with it’s own post. The question asked: “Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who sees and is attracted to you for who you are?”
At first glance, this might seem like a simple yes or no question. However, when you think about it a bit, you realize that the question is flawed. Since who I am as a person is constantly evolving, I don’t think it is really possible to capture this factor or measure it with the same ease that you could measure my weight or my net worth.
Everything that we input into our brains is responsible in some way, shape, or form in molding our thoughts and philosophies. Even if it’s only to solidify concepts that we already believe. Age, experience, and knowledge build character, wisdom, and morals (hopefully). Every single day I feel like I have increased all of these factors, so I’m not exactly who I was yesterday.
So if you happen to be rich, good looking, healthy, intelligent, and kind with a magnetic personality to boost, which of these factors define who you really are? Which one of these factors will attract the type of mate that you desire? Which one of these factors is less important than the rest?
Is it vanity for me to want a mate that is of the highest value? No, it’s attraction and evolution. I want my mate to be of the highest quality, so that I would breed healthy, viable children in a safe and stable environment.
My commitment to CANI (constant and never ending improvement), ensures that I increase my personal value. The people that I attract today are much different than the people I attracted two years ago, and will likely be different from people I attract two years from now. I suppose that whoever I’m with needs to be prepared to watch me grow (very rapidly), and have the desire to keep up with that change.
This almost sounds like I want people to invest in my potential instead of who I am. That’s not exactly true. Instead, I am committed to showing my true self (without a facade). Whatever that self has grown to be today. To me, that is attractive.
Posted by Alex Shalman in Relationships | June 15, 2007 | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumble | Print | 4 comments
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You make an excellent point. Being who we are is something we can’t consider in the long run because of the fact that we change and most of them are through development.
True. The fact that we change should be a huge factor in loving someone for who he/she is. However in most situations, I think it’s ignored by people to show that they truly love each other.
Alex,
The question is valid when asked in its original context and was asked to try and draw out more information from you concerning your values when you wrote that post. I felt the post was a little over the top.
It was asked in response to your post “What Women Want In A Man” http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2007/04/13/what-women-want-in-a-man/
“People may be taking issue with this post because it is appearing on a Practical Personal Development blog. This approach ISN’T personal development because it deals with how to control another human being. It may appear that this is an effective way to interact with the world to get your desired results but the reality of it is, if you need someone in your life so badly that you are willing to manipulate someone them into it, you may have a lot of introspection to do to figure out why you would want to invest in that type of relationship.
Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who sees and is attracted to you for who you are?”
> I suppose that whoever I’m with needs to be prepared to watch me grow (very rapidly), and have the desire to keep up with that change.
Healthy, well adjusted people want mutual partners to like them for who they are. It would seem that they would prefer to be with people who are making the choice because they see beauty in the other and not because of manipulative or controlling reasons (as was implied in the original post).
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