The Number One Silent Killer In Relationships Is…
After reading this article by Tyler at Real Social Dynamics, I started analyzing some of my previous relationships, as well as the one that I am currently in. After reflecting, I noticed that before I get into a serious relationship I present myself as (I feel like) an alpha-male. As an alpha-male, I feel in control (of myself), and detached from emotional vulnerabilities. I’m talking about being vulnerable to being hurt or rejected in a dating scenario.
When I enter a situation where there is a lot of mutual attraction, and other things being great, I allow myself to become a bit more vulnerable. The more vulnerable I allow myself to become, the more I feel romantic and intimate feelings. This is a good thing that leads into a long-term relationship. However, things don’t simply stop at romantic and intimate.
What at first appears as a positive progression towards sensitivity and love eventually spirals towards jealousy and possessiveness. These are definitely not alpha-male characteristics. If this progression does in fact occur on a straight line, than there needs to a point where movement must seize and stagnate at an optimal position.
In my humble opinion, neediness is the number one silent killer in relationships. It is when you come to expect that the person you are dating will act a certain way, or feel a certain way towards you that you run into problems. When you expect that the way that they loved you yesterday should be the same as they love you today, you set yourself up for a major disappointment.
So instead of getting into a behavioral pattern of being upset when things aren’t going your way or as otherwise expected, just remind yourself that your emotions are independent of anyone. Your emotions are simply manifested by your mind. So before you travel too far down the road, find your sweet spot of romance and intimacy and hang out there.
- What do you think is the number one killer in relationships?
- Do you think the progression that I described happens on a straight line, or otherwise?
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Posted by Alex Shalman in Relationships | July 7, 2007 | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumble | Print | 14 comments
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Neediness isn’t a problem for me personally, but I can’t rule it out in the future. I think you’ve got to be careful about assuming that how you feel in relationships is how everyone approaches theirs as well. I never found myself relating to all the ‘community’ talk of having to avoid your inherently needy nature when you got a girlfriend.
What’s the #1 silent killer in my opinion? Not too sure. Some I can think of:
-The two people having different ideas of where they want the relationship to go, but not bringing it up.
-Letting things get stale but not addressing it.
-Taking each other for granted.
It’s a good observation that neediness is a negative factor in relationships, but one should be more careful to not to assume everyone agrees on what it means, or that it can be placed on a one-dimensional spectrum of human emotion. If anything, relationships are *not* one-dimensional, and to start with that assumption will immensely limit the understanding we can have of them.
Instead of placing ‘neediness’ on a one-dimensional straight line, I would rather define it as a kind of “loss of self” – when we start to define ourselves as a “(girl|boy)friend” instead of an independent individual. In my prior experience, when both I and my SO have done that, we are love birds, prancing through life without cares. When only one person does it, while the other stays independent, the relationship becomes lob-sided: the former feels unloved and unneeded, while the latter feels burdened and suffocated.
Jealousy is a separate issue all-together – it is an evolutionary mechanism to keep our SO’s faithful. Irrational jealousy, and especially possessive and even violent jealousy is very typical of alpha males.
Non-alpha males avoid jealous relationships altogether – I once dated a Guy who’s appt mate, after meeting me, said that he was baffled how Guy could even think of being with me, that I was the “kind of girl” he stays away from like a cat from water. But that’s exactly what “kind of girl” Guy found thrilling and exciting – he’d be bored with anyone else. He was an alpha male, his friend was not.
number 1 silent killer would have to be dishonest communication; this includes trying to hide things from your partner, not bringing up issues about the relationship, letting little things build up to the point of resentment.. that kinda thing. Better to have a bunch of tiny fights then to let things build until its too late to fix it.. in regards to jealousy and possessiveness.. there is no need for those destructive and harmful emotions and behaviors if both partners are confident in themselves and what they have to offer, the relationship, and their trust in one another– the good thing is that you recognize your pattern and are aware so that you can prevent yourself from acting on it and maintain a good and healthy relationship.
This is an excellent observation. Do you have links or planned future articles on pulling back from the point of loss-of-self or neediness?
I agree. There should be a level of trust that each one need to establish to avoid that kind of scenario because at some point, it will surely happen.
Too much expectation is definitely not healthy in a relationship.
Sean – I’m not sure if “loss of self” may have been the best term for me to use, I think I did because just I’ve read it somewhere before. I didn’t mean to put it as something having no positive qualities. I think those high school sweethearts that go through life madly in love with each other are the way they are because they’ve defined a large part of their own self-image not as individuals, but as the couple. For them, this is wonderful, and I meet couples all of the time for whom it works.
Personally, however, I think that being an individual and getting to know all kinds of different people in whatever ways I want to is what makes me happy (at least at this point in my life). I wouldn’t be happy, nor would I make happy someone who wants to be in “a couple”, so I don’t look for that kind of guy, and I make it a habit not to grow overly attached to the guys I’m with.
“Loss of self” may even be a necessity for a healthy long-term relationship, but it can wait
I agree with Anna regarding dishonest communication. Dishonesty involves a lot of problems once the chain has started. We should think about how serious the problem would be before going reckless.
For me, the number 1 killer would be lack of trust. Not in a way that we trust too much that we are too blind to see the truth. Just plain trust to avoid the negative thoughts.
> What do you think is the number one killer in relationships?
I think a lack of self awareness in one partner is what ends most relationships, although the ways in which it manifest itself within the relationship can be endless.
Committed intimate relationships require a leap of faith that your partner is going to continue to uphold their side of things. People who have great self-awareness can almost immediately identify when something is a muck because they experience the dissonance within themselves. They will take whatever steps are necessary to correct the situation when they notice that things have changed for the worse.
Neediness can be irritating but not if you are completely in love with your partner – you understand what their need stems from and you understand your motives for why you need the other in their life.
Lack of trust stems from a lack of self awareness – when you are self-aware, you do not need to trust others because you trust yourself. You will also act with authenticity, displaying pure self-expression.
People who are self-aware get out of bad relationships, friendships and interactions because they can see the damage caused by engaging in them.
> Do you think the progression that I described happens on a straight line, or otherwise?
It happens less and less as people get older and gain in sight into their feelings, behavioral patterns and needs.
I took two years off of dating because I had noticed the pattern. Once I learned who I was and what I need to be happy, I was free to love unconditionally without concern of what you describe. It is only when you realize that you do not need another in your life that you are finally free to bring another into your life in a healthy, mature way.
I def agree with the neediness part. Personally, through my search for success with women (and I think I’ve done quite well in it) I’ve found that the biggest asset to relationships (and the lack of being the biggest downfall and unhappiness) is the mind set that it is my universe, and everyone one else is a guest. I therefore set my own rules, standards, and meanings on things, and assertively expect others to adhere to them when around me. I aim to make those around me have better lives, and I do that. And when a girl who’s life I’m making considerably better misbehaves and does something destructive, I just tell her that she’s got to stop and change that or she has to leave.
Aside from that, I think the most important thing is to constantly grow and become a more valuable individual in every way. Quality girls have a very good ability to see through posturing and to the real results driven value I provide as a person.
P.S. Great site Alex, best of luck with it.
Also, I think Patrick has a very very good perspective on things. It’s great that he was able to express it so clearly.
My personal take on relationships is very much unlike that of Dima. In fact, I feel that such egocentric thought is, by its nature, the silent killer of relationships.
What appalls me about this way of life is the fact that a self-centered ‘world is mine’ attitude is the paradigm of neediness. It establishes a wall between a one person and the rest of the world, thereby, significantly limiting what a person can gain. In such a world, vulnerability is always percieved as weakness rather than a chance to let down your guard and allow yourself to feel. Feeling, as far as I am concerned, constitutes the beauty of life, and the impenetrable wall eliminates the possibility of getting hurt, a risk that makes love what it is.
The closeness of two people in a relationship is determined by how much they work on it, how they are willing to compromise with one another and establish a balance in which their ideologies could intertwine. Relationships are about respect that is mutual, and until that part of the equation is satisfied, neither party can be happy. Egocentrism tends to mirror insecurity- the person desires his or her significant other to constantly remind him of his value. People who are truly happy with themselves would not need that from their partners.
Conversely, in the case that such a relationship does exist, one party would be perpetually demanding results that are up to par with personal expectations (that person will always be disappointed) while the other obsequious, trying to win the love of his or her significant other, though never feeling capable of obtaining it. The truth is that once people have passed the stage of winning each other over(and yes, there is always that stage that calls for a challenge), they need security and appreciation- not the frustration of an unattainable challenge.
The discussion here is very interesting and engaging. Personally I feel that problems in a relationship often occurs when either party start to take each other for granted and stop communicating. But I feel each relationship is special and unique in its own way and the reasons why a relationship did not work out probably differ case to case.
But I enjoyed the thoughts shared by everyone here.
Love,
Alison
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Chris: you make a great point, the lack of proper communication is a huge problem.
Anna: great comment about communication and resentment. I just read a great book, and did a follow up post about this specific topic titled ‘How Can I Get Through To You’. I’m sure you’ll be reading it soon.
SNG: in general I agree with your first comment, except the alpha-male generalization. I think that part of being an alpha-male is being secure and confident enough to NOT be jealous. I think you are confusing someone who is acting like an alpha-male with someone that is a natural and has inherent high self-esteem.
Pamela: trust is hands down super important. I think trust really stems from self-esteem as well. Some people can trust without the other person having trust, because they are optimistic and possess high self-esteem, while others must have you earn their trust, because they feel like they deserve bad things to happen to them. Again, this is a big generalization and doesn’t apply to everyone.
Dave & Helen: yes, lack of trust keeps popping up as a sure negative. Helen, if you could elaborate on what you mean that would be great.
Patrick: thank you for your thoughtful comment. I think a better way to describe what you’re saying about trust and self-awareness is trust and self-esteem. Regardless, it makes sense that if you trust yourself, you are more likely to trust your partner. Inversely, if you’re running around on your partner, you would be suspicious about them doing the same to you – I believe this stems from guilt.
Dima: i think that your comment can be interpreted as radical and offense, to some. Fortunately, I personally see you as a very happy person and that you have great success with this very technique. You do enrich the people’s lives around you. So my case study with you continues
Ava: interesting point, thank you.
Allison Lee: thank you for your support.