Before You Start A New Relationship, Read This
Tuesday is Dating & Relationships day at AlexShalman.com
Relationships can be a fun adventure, in which two people grow together, while learning from each other. They can be a happy place, where the couple are best friends, and work together towards common goals. On the other hand, relationships can be just the opposite; sending you into a downward spiral while making it easy for you to lose control.
Here’s the good and bad thing about relationships. Relationships tend to magnify your weaknesses, as you bounce them off of the person you’re close with and constantly around. Over time, as your weaknesses become magnified, you may begin to seem like a totally different person to your partner. Yes, weaknesses are not the only things magnified; relationships do the same for your strengths.
However, in order to avoid the unhealthy half of this paradox to be exposed in the relationship, you can do something really smart. Before you even get into a relationship, take a long time to think about what your weaknesses are, and what it is about you that you would like to improve. Maybe you’re too clingy and needy, or perhaps it’s that you’re too negative and cynical.
When you are able to work yourself out, you will be able to bring not just a full plate to your new relationship, but a healthy plate. During this process of ‘getting your kinks out’, it is good to consult with the people close to you, whom you know to be a positive influence.
Just ask. Ask them what they think you need to work on, as far as your character, personality, etc. Confide in the people you can trust to have your best interest at heart. Family usually plays a great part here. Once you’ve gathered enough things that you need to improve, get down to the 3 most important ones. Don’t start with anything more than the essentials. Think about the influences in your life that contributed to those aspects of your personality.
Take those influences, which you believe to have shaped you, and throw them out. Put yourself back in control. Realize that you’re able to create who you want to be from this point forward. Be the person that you want, the person that YOU yourself approve of. Once you genuinely believe that you are happy with the person that you have become, I would rinse and repeat this cycle, just to be sure.
Once you’ve really decided that you are in a place where you believe in yourself; a place where your character is shaped by yourself, and what you are destined to do in this world. You are ready. You can now be part of a healthy relationship with another person. Your strengths can now be magnified, and taken to the next level. Your weaknesses will be minor, and their growth will be insignificant.
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Posted by Alex Shalman in Relationships | October 30, 2007 | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumble | Print | 8 comments
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Alex, I totally attest to relationships exposing your weaknesses. Sometimes you may even seem like a stranger in their eyes. “Where the Ms Nice I’ve met?”. At the end of the day, it’s not so much about how many weaknesses you have, it’s about how much acceptance the 2 of you have of each other. With unconditional acceptance, even the seemingly unforgivable weakness will seem like a strength.
Great article…
Cheers,
Ellesse
Ellesse,
I guess it depends on what you consider a weakness.
Two examples:
1) During the course of a relationship, someone becomes more and more clingy, to the point that they don’t let their partner breathe. As time goes by, this trait is magnified. Suffocating the partner more and more. Now, this isn’t exactly a strength. The partner could choose to accept this, but still not erase the fact that this is an ongoing act. Had the partner that is clingy worked on this aspect, and was more independent going into the relationship, this conflict would not arise.
2) During the course of a relationship, one of the partners appears to show “true colors” as being mean, spiteful, and cynical. Making their partner feel lower than them, and ultimately being out casted by many people around them. Not exactly a strength either. However, had this person learned how to control their anger, and interact with people using kindness, compassion, and understanding, this conflict would not arise.
In both these situations you could choose to accept your partner, if you are fine with the fact that these conditions will not only keep occurring, but likely become even more magnified. The other option is a split, where people get to work on these weaknesses that have now grown so big that they were unmistakable.
You attract people for a reason, and that reason has a lot to do with who you are. Become more of what you want to be, and attract people that fit that new you better.
Well put, Alex. A relationship can never be stronger than the weakest party, so if you’re continually having problems, wake up and work on yourself. That’s the only way to get better relationships.
I decided in my early twenties that blaming our parents and upbringing didn’t make sense. If we do that, then it’s not their “fault” either, it’s the way they were raised. At some point someone has to take responsibility if things are ever going to get better. So why not us? I decided to figure out what I would be like if I had had the perfect upbringing and take responsibility for becoming that kind of person.
It’s a lifelong process, but no big deal. Enjoy the adventure.
I couldn’t agree with you more Jean.
As President Truman would say “The bucks stops here”. By taking responsibility, we gain control of our lives. All excuses fly out the window, and all that is left is to ‘just do it’.
Alex, I do agree with you the definition of a weakness is matter of perception. But I also believe that weakness and strengths are 2 sides to a coin.
In the case of your first example, being too clingy is seemingly a bad thing to the partner who desires for some personal space. But on another flip side, it’s a affectionate expression of her love for the other partner. If the partner is unable to understand the yin and yang of this characteristic trait and unconditional accept this as part of her entirety but instead choose to change her, it’s very likely the relationship will be tumultuous. If he can’t accept, perhaps the better option will be to split.
One thing to note that choosing to accept doesn’t mean you don’t highlight this issue to the other person. You can communicate your concerns but eventually, the only person who can change her is herself.
Just a note to say I absolutely agree with you and Jean that accountability for ourselves is very important. Nobody can change you. Only you can.
Cheers,
Ellesse
Nice to be here. I bookmark this site with pleasure.
very very true.