Don’t Fool Yourself, Self-Sacrifice Does NOT Exist
Friday is Thinking day at AlexShalman.Com
I could be wrong, I often am, but in my humble opinion, and in my ever tweaking paradigm of the world, there is no such thing as self-sacrifice. It just doesn’t exist. Sure, on the superficial level, you may look at a person and see a martyr. If you allow me to show you the deeper layers, I will attempt to persuade you otherwise.
Self-sacrifice is defined as:
The act of deliberately following a course of action that has a high risk or certainty of suffering or death (which could otherwise be avoided), in order to achieve a perceived benefit for certain others.
I’m partially agreeing with this statement. There may indeed be a perceived benefit to certain others. However, the truth of the matter is, there is an underlying unperceived benefit to the self. If indeed there is benefit to the self, than this act is not really a “self-sacrifice”. The reason it’s not a true sacrifice is because something of higher value is obtained.
What can you possibly get out of being a kamakazee, or suicide bomber?
At first glance, it seems like dieing for your country, or your god, is a purely selfless act. A self-sacrifice if you will. You could have just as easily NOT killed yourself, and been alive. On the surface it’s easy to see that by destroying themselves, and taking the enemy with them, they are attempting to help their country, family, or god.
There is of course an underlying reason for all of this. They want to feel like heroes, like someone important, like someone that their country, family, or god will approve of. They want that approval, and for it they are ready to commit not only the life of their enemy, but their own life as well. This isn’t called self-sacrifice, it’s called paying too much to feel good about yourself for a short time.
What about the mother that would sacrifice her life, for the life of her child?
Is that, or is it not self-sacrifice? On the surface, she is giving up her ability to live freely and prosper, in order to save a life of another. It seems like the ultimate noble act of self-sacrifice. I’m not going to argue if it is or isn’t noble. It very well may be. However, let’s take a look at what would happen if she just let her child die, when there was something (anything!) she could do to save him.
She would spend the rest of her life grieving, and miserable, and regretting the fact that her love, her child, was taken from her, and how it should have been her in it’s place. So, in a split second of maternal instinct, she pushed her child away from the oncoming car and positioning herself in his place. What she gave up wasn’t just a life, but a life of misery. She died for that self-approval, of knowing she did the right thing for herself, and for her child. Not exactly self-sacrifice, as much as a delicately balanced give and take.
There is NO self-sacrifice.
I stand by my opinion, that there is no such thing as self-sacrifice. I do encourage you to voice your opinion, or bring up any examples in which you think self-sacrifice does in fact exist. The comment box below is open for you!
Posted by Alex Shalman in Personal Development, Thinking | November 9, 2007 | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumble | Print | 29 comments
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hey i’m gonna have to disagree with you on this one.. especially the example you talked about with the mother who throws herself in front of the car- at that moment she wouldn’t have time to THINK.. oh if i let my child die i will have a miserable life.. it doesn’t work like that.. she prolly saw the car coming and jumped in front of it to save her child out of love for the child and pure instinct… now what you can say to counterargue that point is that that instinct is purely biological.. like the darwinian concept of doing whatever you can to survive.. so in this case there is a biological instinct to preserve your offspring because THEIR chance of reproducing and carrying on YOUR genes is of much higher probability than you surviving and having another child (less likely).. .so if you take that in mind, then it IS still serving yourself, since your genes will go on…So i would say in this example if you go by the very definition you mentioned above, it IS a case of self-sarcrifice, because the mother is UNAWARE of any percieved benefit to herself/her genes.. but looking at it RETROSPECTIVELY you can see that there is a benefit to her carrying on the genes into future generations… its an interesting topic.
Hmmm…I’d believe it if you said, “there is no self-sacrifice for me” but I have to say I’ve seen too many instances where care-givers have fully, consciously and knowingly diminished their personal capacities to ease the burdens/pain of others, that I know this not to be true. Similarly, I have the privilege of working very dedicatee law enforcment, fire, and rescue personnel and have witnessed rather extreme acts of self-sacrifice on a routine basis. There’s a payback (if you want to call it that) in integrity, and a feeling of moral accomplishment. But your definition was “high risk or certainty of suffering or death.” We have teams that train, bi-weekly, in risky, dangerous conditions that PLAN to put themselves in harms way, often to recover people who are already dead, in order to fulfill a sense of social obligaitons to their relatives and their community.
It happens all the time.
It seems you’ve only come up with limited scenarios to fit your opinion.
People often sacrifice/put at risk their lives, comfort etc. for some higher good. They’re trying to bring out the best in themselves and are willing to sacrifice other things for it. There are trade offs in life, and I don’t believe that they’re always “paying too much to feel good about …[themselves] for a short time”. Life is short. The question is how are we going to live it? Sometimes a shorter life can be more worthwhile than a longer one.
Anna, So in some way, you do agree with me. You just found a reason that works for you.
Bob, Like you said it’s in order to fulfill a sense of social obligation to their relatives and community. If they didn’t fulfill it, they wouldn’t have that same sense of integrity, and moral accomplishment for which they are willing to risk their lives for. As Napolean would say, men will die for trinkets (medals).
Jillian, You are most welcome to bring another example to the conversation.
Jean, The paying too much for a to feel good about themselves is just an example. It seems like you did get the gist of the article though.
haha no i dont agree.. u misunderstood me.. see she is self sacrificing because she is UNAWARE of the benefit at the time of her action.. say for instance you have 10 dollars.. and you were going to use it to buy yourself dinner, but you ran into a friend of yours who hasn’t eaten anything all day… so out of your care for the friend you buy them dinner instead.. then next week that friend buys your a car (it’s a very rich friend).. even tho you got the benefit it is still self sacrifice because you didn’t expect the car.. you were just being a good friend.
Hey Alex, since we’ve hashed this over at my place a bit, I’ll weigh in lightly. Your illustration presumes upon a future that doesn’t exist. If the mom dies she didn’t benefit even if the other option would have been grievous.
I think at some point we need to differentiate between what feels good and what feels right. Self-sacrifice exists when it feels right not when it feels good. Self-approval while important is not all inclusive.
Just couldn’t resist the conversation.
Hi Alex,
I agree that there is no self-sacrifice. Maybe your arguments didn’t present a case which is strong enough…
Dave is right. It’s not about feeling good, it’s about feeling RIGHT.
A suicide bomber see himself as a martyr. In this case, he gave his life for something more important than life, a worthy Cause.
A mother’s love for her child is also a Cause that she believes and feels for.
A volunteer who commits his/her time/energy to help others has a Cause as well.
A worthy cause is a very strong driver. Some call it ‘purpose’. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs states that our highest fulfillment is self-actualization. It surpasses monetary fulfillment, sexual fulfillment, physical fulfillment and relationship type of love.
It’s the type of thing that allows you to look back at your life and say “it was worth the journey.”
Strangely, self actualization often requires unconditional giving to others; e.g. a mother’s unconditional love.
In giving to other or sacrificing, we achieve a greater satisfaction/fulfillment inside ourselves. Ironically, if we get a reward out of that same giving, then the sense of sacrifice is lost, and as such, the sense of fulfillment is greatly diminished.
Just imagine a volunteer who is paid a salary.
From this perspective, you can argue that there is no true self-sacrifice.
My 2 cents worth…
Anna, That’s the thing. When you see that your friend is hungry, you feel a bit sad for the friend. When you get your friend some food, you feel good inside. You just made yourself feel good about yourself, for just $10. Good deal?
Dave, Please see Lawrence.
Lawrence, Thanks for saying it better. =)
Hey Alex..
I really respect you and the wonderful work you do, but i am sorry i truely disagree with you in this case. I am not going to put forth any point supporting my views because i totally agree with anna and the points that she has put forth, I think that may be due to your habit to view things in an analytical and psychological way, you developed this view. And another very important thing that am going to put forth to you is the use of word “shaheed” as a ’suicide bomber’. As i come from south asia ( India ). I was very much hurt seeing this word referred to as a suicide bomber. May be because you come from that part of the world where you do not understand the asian culture, I would like to clarify that in our culture a shaheed stands for a martyr - “who dies for any national cause”, and in india most of our great soldiers of the national armed forces who lost their lives fighting the terrorists are referred to as “shaheeds”. May be only the suicide bombings by some unethical people hogs the limelight in the west and thats the only time when you might have come across the word, i feel its my responsibility as a citizen of my country to correct this view of the west and prevent the sentiments of my people from being hurt.
And i would like to clarify that we, the people of India strongly condemn such acts of terror but cannot accept such comments which may have arisen due to lack of knowledge.
I know that i might have deviated the post from the actual topic but I was deeply hurt and felt it was my duty to write this post.
Hi Gagan Bindra, thanks for writing and letting me know. I apologize for that. It’s been taken out.
i appreciate it Alex..
thanx..
i guess we differ on this issue.. i dont see it that way.. you give the person the money for their sake and not to make yourself feel better… cant u remember a time when you went out of your way for someone? or when someone went out of their way for you? maybe i’m being idealistic but i don’t think that everyone (including myself) is driven by selfishness and greed.. altho i bet a lot of philosophers would agree with you lol
Hi Alex,
I agree with you entirely. I typed, “why does a person sacrifice his life for other’s?”, into google and your article was near the top of the page. I was looking for the explaination of the quote, “everything you do, you do for your own sake”. A psychologist by the name of Stephen Wolinsky wrote this in one of his books. He said it was written in the “Upanishads”, and i’ve come to believe this quote. And yes, Lawrence Cheok explained it better, but i’d like to read more. (”self-approval”, “feel right”?.
Thanks Steve, if you find more info on self-sacrifice feel free to share links with us.
Time for more research and less pontification.
Google “reciprocal altruism” and “evolutionary psychology”. Your answers are there.
This is truly an interesting post. I have always believed that most people are caring and that self-sacrifice is a normal part of love. If self-sacrifice doesn’t exist then love in itself is just a name given to elicit a certain response from the person/object of the “love”. like a form of manipulation. Agape love is something I’ve always believed in and strived for. I believe that love is true and that self sacrifice is the refining fire that makes our love pure.
I have very recently come to realize that most people don’t believe that. Nevertheless because one hasn’t experienced the desire of pure self-sacrifice nor comprehend the logic behind it, does not mean that it does not exist.
Maria. The way I see it is it feels good to be in love. It feels good to give yourself to a lover. It feels bad to see a lover hurt. It feels good to give up time, money, maybe even life for the one we love in order for them to be happier or safer.
The underlying theme is we do what makes us feel good. We do what we can live with after it’s done (if we think it through that far). Or, if we can’t live with it after, we feel guilt over it, which feels better than pretending we don’t care.
Once again, we choose what makes us feel good, versus what makes us feel bad.
I’m not saying love is not powerful, it certainly is, it can move move mountains, destroy kingdoms, create homes, lives… it can serve as a very powerful incentive for people to do something that feels good.
i would disagree…
i am an example of self-sacrifice.. and i dont feel good about it. in fact, i hate myself, and im not happy. but i have chosen to sacrifice myself for others, and i hope they are happy about it, because im not. sometimes, i do wish to be acknowledged, but it seems that i’m not being acknowledged at all, never was, and never will. i feel alone in this world because i haven’t seen anyone around who has done “true” self-sacrifice as i have been doing…
its insane, and it will drive u nuts.. i dont even know if it is worth feeling good for being right.. it sucks.. it hurts all the time.. i dont like pain, and as much as it hurts, i want it all to go away.. sometimes, i wish id die, and on a couple of occasions, i tried to take my life away, in the hope that i wont be suffering in this life anymore constantly self-sacrificing myself for others.
in a way, you are correct though, because i haven’t seen anyone around showing true sacrifice. they always have something in return as a consolation for their sacrifice. but i, on the other hand, it sucks. where is the consolation? where is the feeling good or feeling right? i wish i would stop self-sacrificing already..
My question to you is…. Why not do more things that make you happy?
i am.. i always strive to do things to make me happy..
i read a book, i watch a cartoon show that makes me laugh, i go into photography, i meet people with similar interests, i can figure out a lot in less time than most people can, i can “adjust” easily to other people’s interests, so basically, i can get along with whom anybody i want to.. from talking to a prince down to being silly with a pauper. i’ve even tried talking to a crazy man down the street whom everyone seems to abhor and stay away from. 1) he smells so bad, he’s all in grease and dirt, 2) he acts rather unpredictable, sometimes hitting on cars every now and then.. yet for some reason i cannot explain, i understand him, and we talk.. i give him some spare change to buy food, i dont call this self-sacrifice coz it makes me happy.. what im trying to say is, i strive to do things to make me happy..
on the self-sacrifice part, gosh i have an idea of god that i hate him/her or whatever it is so much, because this self-sacrifice sucks like shit. it sucks the void or life out of me everytime it happens, and to the outside world, it would really seem like the one you’re referring to, people would thank me, oh ur so good, oh ur so noble, but honestly, i dont care, coz im not happy.. sometimes, i wonder what if i did the non-self-sacrifice, and did the “selfish” thing instead, im sure it will make me happy, great satisfaction, but on the point of making the choice… i end up doing the “self-sacrifice” one. u cant imagine how black and dark the void one feels when i end up this way.. the closest i could describe is like in that movie the green mile, where the fat guy sucks up the “evil” from someone.. everyone seems to feel better, but the fat guy suffers like hell.. (im not fat, btw..)
u know a secret i’ve managed to figure out all these years.. its a lot like this thread, no such thing as self-sacrifice.. well, love never heals.. everyone thinks that love heals, hell no, it never heals.. people believe that god loves them, or jesus or buddha, or allah, the universe, its all full of crap. love makes this world crazy.. love caters to what one “wants” to feel and hear, that’s the greatest illusion in this world. what truly heals, from this self-sacrifice which i seem to survive every now and then thankfully, is when the truth comes to me. that is probably the only consolation i get. the truth. it makes me feel less alone, and seems to help the pain inside. its ugly, the truth, and most people would rather buy into this “love” than face the truth.. but then again, what good is the truth if ur the only one who seems to know.. nobody else seems to believe.. so it still sucks this self-sacrifice.. it exists, and i hope i find someone out there who is doing it also..
thank u for ur reply.. i appreciate it a lot..
Dexter, it is unfortunate that while you have chosen to live a life of self sacrifice, you hate yourself for it. Self hatred can be very harmful to ones health and wellbeing. Maybe since you have been “self-sacrificing”so much, you need to make a sacrifice and think about yourself (and immediate family if any ) first by doing noneharmful things that brings joy. That may be the true self-sacrifice you need because in doing that you will enable yourself to be better able to bring joy to others.
Maria,
Truly unfortunate.. I don’t want to hate myself.. I like who I am without the self-sacrifice. I’m smart, witty, fun-loving, outgoing, kind, generous, youthful, and i don’t even have an ugly face. Fortunately though, I’m still healthy, I haven’t been sick in awhile.. and I’m still sane to the general public.
I agree when you say that I have been self-sacrificing too much, and most of it was “forced” upon me. I am also gullible and naive to my own disadvantage. Sometimes, I believe too much in the goodness of people when they are in reality very selfish after all… because of this, I have developed a keen sense of detecting people’s intentions before they go out in the open. But I’m still gullible, especially to the people I “love”, because I don’t do analysis or check ups on them, little do I know that later I will be betrayed or something like that. Yet I still go on, in the hope that they might change hearts and not do the bad thing in the end. Self-sacrifice… giving up myself for the ones i love.. i hope they’re happy, because i’m not..
thank you, i understand now what u mean by non-harmful things. i self-sacrifice and it is harmful to my psychological health. maybe thats why im unhappy…
Hey Dexter. Let me ask you a question, you say you self-sacrifice, but if it makes you so unhappy, why do you choose to continue doing it?
If you are a slave, or really “forced”, than it’s not exactly self-sacrifice — it’s not free will. If you choose to do it, than some part of you, whether you like it or not, makes the choice that you WANT.
The reason I say self-sacrifice doesn’t exist is because we’re always making a choice of what we want, even if it completely doesn’t seem that way. Perhaps you want to take care of family, and it seems like self-sacrifice, but if you didn’t take care of them you could be happy but feel very guilty for abandoning them. The fact that you are going through hardship to avoid guilt is the reason why it’s not self-sacrifice.
You can choose to be unreasonable, and in the face of adversity, create happiness in your life. To just take pleasure in what you’re doing because clearly it’s chiseling your character and making you a better person for it. No one said it’s easy to do the right thing, and not all great people are repaid for what they’ve done (not by others at least), but to take pleasure in every breath you take transcends needing repayment. The life is yours now, to enjoy, and irregardless of God or religion or whatever other stigmas you are throwing out there, you can be happy.
One of the greatest levels of charity is to give to people without them knowing who gave. This way they aren’t shamed by it. A higher level of charity is to give without knowing who you are giving to, because giving is an awesome act, and it shouldn’t be about the who, and you shouldn’t need any compensation. When you can give without this compensation, you have chiseled your character to the next level.
Life is really all about self-improvement, in all facets of life. When we stop moving we die. So don’t give up, keep chiseling away, and become the best you that you can be. Enjoy life right now.
*tears*
if i am so good, why am i so alone?!?!!!!!
i don’t want to be alone anymore… i’m crying reading your reply..
it’s lonely having this “chiseled” character…
…
for charity, i dont see that as self-sacrifice.. people want to do charity because they feel good giving, and giving anonymously, there’s a sense of mystery.. and its always exciting to be in the mystery from others.. letting people guess who gave what to whom..
the self-sacrifice i am going thru is adjusting and bearing the mistakes of others… having to suffer because of their “sins”.. i hate this already, i always am the one sufferring.. i dont have a messianic complex, im just in a cruel situation where im always the one suffering for other people’s mistakes.. i have to humble myself because if i don’t, the world around me as i know it might go to hell or utter chaos.. i dont want this life anymore.. let somebody else be the sacrifice.. its so alone……
“When you can give without this compensation, you have chiseled your character to the next level.” I have yet to meet in person in reality someone who has gotten to this level of character… I have read the stories of Mother Teresa, St. Therese of Avila, and the writings of Pope John Paul II, and I believe they have this character. I’m not sure about Gandhi or the Dalai Lama though.. I cannot “feel” the character when I had known about them.
Dexter, I am not trying to say “self-sacrifice is too much” in general. It’s just that you may be sacrificing too much for your own mental and emotional health and wellbeing. As Alex said earlier, there is a free will associated with self-sacrifice- not something one is forced bitterly to do.
I personally go to visit people who are terminally ill and are at the end of their life. I sit with them, read with them, spend time with them, talk etc. This is on a volunteer basis. I don’t even necessarily think that this is a self-sacrifice. There are many volunteers who would be happy to see babies in need- but life has a beginning and an end. I believe that the end is just as valuable and to be just as respected and honored. But that’s just a personal belief. It’s not something that I am being forced to do and I am also not doing it at the cost of my happiness. I give valuable time that I could use to do other things but I am not resentful of that.
In regards to your comment “the self-sacrifice i am going thru is adjusting and bearing the mistakes of others… having to suffer because of their “sins”. I would say that you can’t control other people actions but you can control how you percieve those actions as well as how you react to them.
Good luck in your journey.
“I would say that you can’t control other people actions but you can control how you percieve those actions as well as how you react to them.”
Easier said than done.. true, i can never control other people’s actions, i just wish “someone” higher would “enlighten” them to do something about what they are currently doing.. I cant see how I can control how I perceive those actions though.. no matter how I see it, I am still the one ending up suffering.. how I react? I could retaliate, what’s been done to me, I should and can do rightfully back, right, as the law of karma states.. but if i do that, there’d be no end or peaceful resolution. I can pretend I’m not affected, I can pretend I’m not hurt, I can psychologically twist my mind and “detach”, but it still there the hurt.. as the song goes, “yeah, there will be an answer, let it be, let it be..” i hold on to that, and just sing to myself to let it be.. accept, sacrifice one’s self.. because people are stubborn..
i prayed i dont want this anymore.. i dont want to be the one on the line anymore.. but im beginning to accept as well to just let it be.. im confused.. i just want peace within.. and take all these troubles inside away..
self-sacrifice in a sense is free-will, but not entirely one’s own will. one’s own will is selfish, if i had a choice, i’d eliminate all those who have caused me such pain and suffering.. i am “forced” to accept things I did not want to accept, i could choose to really fight and destroy them all, because i have a choice.. but that wouldn’t bring about peace.. this self-sacrifice i am talking about doesn’t necessarily make one happy at all.. in fact, it makes one very sad and very alone.. so very very alone..
Hmmm. It appears that I have made an excellent step in my research of limited viewpoints. The scenarios are limited to fit this viewpoint which frankly I find as a disturbing stripping of morale of a very real and moral action. I enjoy reading things such as these, it gives a perspective to how trusting I really am in comparison. I thank you for letting me realize how uninformed people can be and how critical they are.