The problem with dating today is that it can be very superficial. People find themselves attracted to looks, money or status, but they often overlook the other, more important things that hold relationships together. Eventually this oversight ends up being unavoidable, which is one of the factors that influences the huge divorce rate world wide.
It’s clear that breaking up is with someone you care about, or committed a lot of time to is never easy. Frankly it can result in a severe emotional shock which can carry over into other aspects of life, as well as future relationships. Why not avoid this pain? Seems easier than having to break free when a relationship is crumbling.
One of the secrets to creating an extraordinary relationship is to know what you’re getting into before making a huge commitment. As a person you have certain goals, morals and ideals for the way you want your life to go. Some are flexible, while others are non-negotiable.
If we could determine what each others non-negotiables are before jumping into a commitment, then surely we could avoid some of the pain that is involved in breaking up. Dating serves as an interview process for marriage. In one sense we are dating to find out what we like, and don’t like. On the other hand, we know what we like, more than we are willing to admit. Write down you non-negotiables, and discuss them within the first couple of dates.
Keep reading to find out more about non-negotiables.
Dating To Commit Rule #1: Put Your Non-Negotiables On The Table
- Children. Do you want them? How many? What kind of lifestyle do we need to have, and how are we willing to adjust in order to give the kids enough love and attention? Who will raise the children? Will they be raised with a religious affiliation?
- Demographics. Where do you plan to live? Where do you plan to work? How do you feel about relocating?
- Finances. Who will be the bread winner? What will the money be spent on? What kind of lifestyle are you expecting to have? Who will control the finances?
- Sexuality. How do you feel about and view sex? Are you open to experimenting?
- Communication. How do you deal with arguments? Will you argue in public and in front of your children (if you have any)? How often do you need to talk to feel reassured? Is there anything you need to tell me, in order for me to understand you better? Do you need a cooling off period, space, to talk things out?
- Parenting. Where will the kids go to school? How will conflict be handled in front of the kids? How will they be disciplined? What would you like to provide for them? School, private education, cars, extra-curricular activities?
- In-laws. I heard an anecdote not too long ago about the difference between in-laws and outlaws. The difference is between the two is that the outlaws are wanted… (back on topic now) Will the in-laws live with us? Will they help in raising the children? How often will we visit them? How close will we live to them? To what extent are you willing to take advice from the in-laws?
- Leisure time. What is your ideal way to relax and blow off steam? How many vacations do you want and where? Do you want to travel the world? How do you like to spend your days off?
- Spirituality/Religion. Are you actively observing a religion? Which part of your participation in your religion is a non-negotiable? Do you need me to convert to your religion? Do you like to take part in yoga or meditation? What religious values will you instill in your children, and will you be willing to raise the children with mixed beliefs?
- Expectations. Income, status, lifestyle, sex, love, pets?
- Chores. How do you want to distribute the chores? How will these ideas be instilled in our children?
- Morals. Do you consume alcohol, drugs, tobacco? Are you willing to stop? What do you feel about abortion, euthanasia, medical marijuana? Are you willing to live with someone who may have different views?
- Affection. Do you like to be kissed, cuddled, massaged, bathed, spoken to in a particular way, etc?
Now you might find that you don’t have answers to these questions, or are very flexible. That just means it’s a non-negotiable for you. On the other hand, you might have some non-negotiables that are not on this list. Please share them in the comments section!
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Photo by banoootah_qtr.
Credit: I first learned about Non-negotiables from Kimber Sherman, at which point Marina and I brain-stormed to give you this list. We didn’t talk about our non-negotiables when we first met, but lucky for us we’re very compatible!