Comments on: Plan For A Perfect Relationship By Determining Your Non-negotiables! http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/ Practical Personal Development Wed, 01 Feb 2012 10:29:45 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Shomer Negiah, and the Magic of Touch | Alex Shalman . com http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-67563 Shomer Negiah, and the Magic of Touch | Alex Shalman . com Tue, 26 Aug 2008 17:02:24 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-67563 [...] relate to the person, if you click, if they’re kind, and if your long term goals align (see non-negotiables of [...] [...] relate to the person, if you click, if they’re kind, and if your long term goals align (see non-negotiables of [...]

]]> By: How To Get A Girlfriend (Part 3) | Work at Home Money Making Tips http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-59590 How To Get A Girlfriend (Part 3) | Work at Home Money Making Tips Tue, 15 Jul 2008 14:12:28 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-59590 [...] date, if you like the girl, you want to know how compatible you are. You want to make sure your non-negotiables do not clash. Some popular ones are kids (yes/no, how many?), where to live, who will work, [...] [...] date, if you like the girl, you want to know how compatible you are. You want to make sure your non-negotiables do not clash. Some popular ones are kids (yes/no, how many?), where to live, who will work, [...]

]]> By: How To Get A Girlfriend (Part 3) | John Chow dot Com http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-56402 How To Get A Girlfriend (Part 3) | John Chow dot Com Tue, 24 Jun 2008 23:36:44 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-56402 [...] date, if you like the girl, you want to know how compatible you are. You want to make sure your non-negotiables do not clash. Some popular ones are kids (yes/no, how many?), where to live, who will work, [...] [...] date, if you like the girl, you want to know how compatible you are. You want to make sure your non-negotiables do not clash. Some popular ones are kids (yes/no, how many?), where to live, who will work, [...]

]]> By: Non-Negotiables In Relatoinships: Your Input - Personal Development for Smart People Forums http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-41496 Non-Negotiables In Relatoinships: Your Input - Personal Development for Smart People Forums Mon, 10 Mar 2008 16:31:15 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-41496 [...] In Relatoinships: Your Input Hey guys, I recently wrote an article titled Plan For Your Perfect Relationship By Determining Your Non-Negotiables. I'm interested to know which non-negotiables you think belong on this list, other than the ones I [...] [...] In Relatoinships: Your Input Hey guys, I recently wrote an article titled Plan For Your Perfect Relationship By Determining Your Non-Negotiables. I’m interested to know which non-negotiables you think belong on this list, other than the ones I [...]

]]> By: Debo Hobo http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-41163 Debo Hobo Thu, 06 Mar 2008 21:13:24 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-41163 This is a fantastic article: Dating is an interview for a future relationship and should be negotiated as if it were the job of your life, because if you get married you will be working for and with the other person to maintain the commitment. This is a fantastic article: Dating is an interview for a future relationship and should be negotiated as if it were the job of your life, because if you get married you will be working for and with the other person to maintain the commitment.

]]> By: Rebecca http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-41076 Rebecca Wed, 05 Mar 2008 20:00:06 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-41076 While I'm not sure I'd choose (or be attracted to) a "Non-negotiable" approach, I heard this author on Oprah speak of this topic a while back. Here book is called "Lies at the Altar - Truths about Great Marriages." Here's the amazon link: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/140130897X/103-1983560-8100606?ie=UTF8&tag=alexshalcompr-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=1789&creativeASIN=140130897X" rel="nofollow">Lies At The Alter</a> I gave it to a friend for her Shower gift. It caused some gasps of shock, but it turned out to really help her and her fiance talk out issues. They were on the same page and now happily married, so far! While I’m not sure I’d choose (or be attracted to) a “Non-negotiable” approach, I heard this author on Oprah speak of this topic a while back. Here book is called “Lies at the Altar – Truths about Great Marriages.” Here’s the amazon link: Lies At The Alter
I gave it to a friend for her Shower gift. It caused some gasps of shock, but it turned out to really help her and her fiance talk out issues. They were on the same page and now happily married, so far!

]]> By: James http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-40995 James Wed, 05 Mar 2008 09:29:14 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-40995 Interesting idea. It's a bit too late for me to implement this or judge how it would work, because I've already been in a relationship for 7 years. Missed the chance to start laying down non-negotiables a long time ago :D A lot can change over the years especially in a relationship so while it's a good idea to know where both partners stand I can't envisage many things being truly non-negotiable though. There has to be a bit of give-and-take from both sides. James, <a href="http://www.organizeit.co.uk/" rel="nofollow">Organize IT</a> Interesting idea. It’s a bit too late for me to implement this or judge how it would work, because I’ve already been in a relationship for 7 years. Missed the chance to start laying down non-negotiables a long time ago :D A lot can change over the years especially in a relationship so while it’s a good idea to know where both partners stand I can’t envisage many things being truly non-negotiable though. There has to be a bit of give-and-take from both sides.

James, Organize IT

]]> By: Alex Shalman http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-40963 Alex Shalman Wed, 05 Mar 2008 01:42:04 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-40963 I don't think that dating is the only form of finding your "ideal partner", there are also arranged marriages. By dating, I mean meeting people, having conversations, getting to know them, and seeing if you are compatible. While finances may not be a non-negotiable for you, and I'm by no means saying you are right or wrong, they may be a huge non-negotiable for someone else. Being able to handle 'differences' as they come up is obviously very important, but there are certain things a person would rather not budge on. I'm not sure the number of children is really the best non-negotiable, since after the first one I would image your whole opinion of children changes. However, many of the non-negotiables I did mention are very much worth the effort of inquiring into before getting serious. Thanks you for commenting, your story was very interesting. =) I don’t think that dating is the only form of finding your “ideal partner”, there are also arranged marriages. By dating, I mean meeting people, having conversations, getting to know them, and seeing if you are compatible.

While finances may not be a non-negotiable for you, and I’m by no means saying you are right or wrong, they may be a huge non-negotiable for someone else.

Being able to handle ‘differences’ as they come up is obviously very important, but there are certain things a person would rather not budge on. I’m not sure the number of children is really the best non-negotiable, since after the first one I would image your whole opinion of children changes. However, many of the non-negotiables I did mention are very much worth the effort of inquiring into before getting serious.

Thanks you for commenting, your story was very interesting. =)

]]> By: Anonymous http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-40957 Anonymous Wed, 05 Mar 2008 01:19:58 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-40957 I feel as though you think of dating as the only form of finding your ideal partner. In many instances, a relationship evolves from compromising things like expectations, demographics, etc. if the person is right for you. Finances are another major aspect that develop over time. People who come into relationships already established tend to have higher standards thinking, "I'm a good catch, I don't need to settle for anything less than perfection." However, if two people support and motivate each other to become successful they always remember that they did it together. Non-negotiables MAY change with the person you are with. My wife and I, for example, knew each other since high school. We, nicely stated, hated each other. But, over time, being around one another, we realized that we in fact were perfect for one another. How could that be? She wanted 5 children, while I wanted one. She wanted to work and have a babysitter take care of the kids, while I wished for her to stay at home. Little did we know, everything we felt originally CHANGED and molded into actions which we could not even imagine. We ended with two kids. She works 5 days a week. Honestly, most of the "non-negotiable" issues that you discussed came up as a surprise, which we worked our way through. The relationship two people hold together is not defined at the start, nor should it be. A true friendship and love of one another is being able to face differences, and resolve them as they come along. Without this ability, marriage may come, with both parties thinking that they are safe since "all" their issues have been established, and defined. Yet without the ability to work through new issues (which always arise) a horrible divorce (not minor break up) will occur. I feel as though you think of dating as the only form of finding your ideal partner. In many instances, a relationship evolves from compromising things like expectations, demographics, etc. if the person is right for you. Finances are another major aspect that develop over time. People who come into relationships already established tend to have higher standards thinking, “I’m a good catch, I don’t need to settle for anything less than perfection.” However, if two people support and motivate each other to become successful they always remember that they did it together. Non-negotiables MAY change with the person you are with. My wife and I, for example, knew each other since high school. We, nicely stated, hated each other. But, over time, being around one another, we realized that we in fact were perfect for one another. How could that be? She wanted 5 children, while I wanted one. She wanted to work and have a babysitter take care of the kids, while I wished for her to stay at home. Little did we know, everything we felt originally CHANGED and molded into actions which we could not even imagine. We ended with two kids. She works 5 days a week. Honestly, most of the “non-negotiable” issues that you discussed came up as a surprise, which we worked our way through.
The relationship two people hold together is not defined at the start, nor should it be. A true friendship and love of one another is being able to face differences, and resolve them as they come along. Without this ability, marriage may come, with both parties thinking that they are safe since “all” their issues have been established, and defined. Yet without the ability to work through new issues (which always arise) a horrible divorce (not minor break up) will occur.

]]> By: Alex Shalman http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-40926 Alex Shalman Tue, 04 Mar 2008 19:56:34 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-40926 Wow that's rough Dean. The advice I've listed here is just common sense, and is something that has worked for all the married couples in my life. I'm not married, but I have a girlfriend, and upon writing this article (which she helped me write), we discussed all our non-negotiables. At least we're good with that... I don't think she has any mental illnesses I don't know about (hope she doesn't read this hehe). =) On a serious note... I'm sorry you had such a heartache and loss in learning this lesson, but I'm sure you have a story of how this has made you a stronger person. Wow that’s rough Dean. The advice I’ve listed here is just common sense, and is something that has worked for all the married couples in my life. I’m not married, but I have a girlfriend, and upon writing this article (which she helped me write), we discussed all our non-negotiables.

At least we’re good with that… I don’t think she has any mental illnesses I don’t know about (hope she doesn’t read this hehe). =)

On a serious note… I’m sorry you had such a heartache and loss in learning this lesson, but I’m sure you have a story of how this has made you a stronger person.

]]> By: Dean http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-40924 Dean Tue, 04 Mar 2008 19:50:57 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-40924 You are so right about non-negotiables. Giving in on one, (let alone three for whatever reason) puts one in a bad relationship. My non-negotiables were, and once again are: 1) Not to marry anyone under the age of 28. Too immature. 2) Not to marry anyone I've known less than one year. To get to know them. 3) Not to marry anyone who I got pregnant. Just the wrong reason to begin with, no matter how honorable. Well, I ended up marring some 21 years old with bipolar disorder and passive aggressive personality. (Both she and her mother and all her friends told me, so I'm not making this up.) Our first kiss was on the morning of June 1, pregnant in July, married in October and our daughter was born in March. It was all downhill from there. I'm not even going to share the heartache I've gone through since the seperation and divorce. Just a friendly statement...Keep you non-negotiables, non-negotiable. You are so right about non-negotiables.

Giving in on one, (let alone three for whatever reason) puts one in a bad relationship.

My non-negotiables were, and once again are:

1) Not to marry anyone under the age of 28. Too immature.
2) Not to marry anyone I’ve known less than one year. To get to know them.
3) Not to marry anyone who I got pregnant. Just the wrong reason to begin with, no matter how honorable.

Well, I ended up marring some 21 years old with bipolar disorder and passive aggressive personality. (Both she and her mother and all her friends told me, so I’m not making this up.) Our first kiss was on the morning of June 1, pregnant in July, married in October and our daughter was born in March. It was all downhill from there.

I’m not even going to share the heartache I’ve gone through since the seperation and divorce.

Just a friendly statement…Keep you non-negotiables, non-negotiable.

]]> By: Alex Shalman http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-40912 Alex Shalman Tue, 04 Mar 2008 17:26:44 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-40912 All fixed due to my buddy Nate Whitehill of Unique Blog Designs... This is what I mean when I say he goes above and beyond! All fixed due to my buddy Nate Whitehill of Unique Blog Designs… This is what I mean when I say he goes above and beyond!

]]> By: Jennifer Mannion http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-40905 Jennifer Mannion Tue, 04 Mar 2008 15:15:51 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-40905 Hey Alex, Yep, these are ALL so important to talk about BEFORE walking down that aisle. I know many couples that wanted to avoid these topics but just the fact that you think you should avoid them probably means they should be faced head on! Ray and I had talked about all of these topics and that's part of the reason we will celebrate 11 years happily married this July! GREAT advice and I wish all couples would have this guidance before making that next step! Excellent post! Jenny Hey Alex,
Yep, these are ALL so important to talk about BEFORE walking down that aisle. I know many couples that wanted to avoid these topics but just the fact that you think you should avoid them probably means they should be faced head on! Ray and I had talked about all of these topics and that’s part of the reason we will celebrate 11 years happily married this July! GREAT advice and I wish all couples would have this guidance before making that next step! Excellent post! Jenny

]]> By: Adam http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-40904 Adam Tue, 04 Mar 2008 15:07:48 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-40904 I had never really looked at it that way Alex. I guess when my current wife and I were dating we did kind of do that. Perhaps with my first wife, due to the rampant hormones, the non-negotiables were overlooked. I had never really looked at it that way Alex. I guess when my current wife and I were dating we did kind of do that. Perhaps with my first wife, due to the rampant hormones, the non-negotiables were overlooked.

]]> By: Alex Shalman http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/comment-page-1/#comment-40900 Alex Shalman Tue, 04 Mar 2008 14:08:18 +0000 http://www.alexshalman.com/blog/2008/03/04/plan-for-a-perfect-relationship-by-determining-your-non-negotiables/#comment-40900 I realize the comment box is kind of broken. I'm not sure how to fix it, but I'll be working on it over the next couple of days. If you have any questions, or know how to fix this, feel free to e-mail me via the contact form. I realize the comment box is kind of broken. I’m not sure how to fix it, but I’ll be working on it over the next couple of days. If you have any questions, or know how to fix this, feel free to e-mail me via the contact form.

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