Comments on: Shomer Negiah, and the Magic of Touch

By: leslie

leslie — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 22:28:31 +0000

I am a non jewish female (african american) and live in a strictly orthodox jewish community in williamsburg bklyn. I have live there most of my life (approx 30yrs). I do understand the need to keep members of the opposite sex separate but I struggle everyday to not feel offended when jewish men are in the elevator with me they turn their back or if i walk past them they sheild their faces…i thought that part of jewish culture (or any for that matter) is to treat others as you would have them treat you? I especially have a hard time trying to explain this to people who visit me. Also, on another note, my nephew is 4 and at that age they are loving and playful. At the playground he doesn’t know jewish from whatever…it breaks my heart to see him want to play with another boy and have that child run away or just stare. I try to explain to him about “strangers” but its just difficult. Can you give me a better understanding of these things? Thank you!

By: Alex Shalman

Alex Shalman — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 18:03:04 +0000

@james – in general it’s considered rude to poke people. It really depends on the situation, how strict someone is etc. I think in general they would be understanding if they thought you didn’t know or did that by accident. I’m sure things like that happen all the time. If you were in some kind of ultra-religious neighborhood, i think it would be even less acceptable, because you’d almost be expected to “know the law of the land”.

I’d recommend saying “excuse me miss” instead of tapping people.

By: james chicken

james chicken — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 17:59:17 +0000

i was wondeering what about purely incidental contact such as tapping a girl on the shoulder to get her attention or ask hersomething if i had never met her before.

to give a scanario you are a jewish girl or women, i tap you on the shoulder to ask you something and get your attention, would that be acceptable or would it put your back up so to speak

By: Louche

Louche — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 18:12:37 +0000

I don’t get the part about handshakes with the opposite sex only. Even with your assumption that everyone reading your article is heterosexual, I can’t tell what you’re talking about. Also, why do 90-95% of straight people still to this day assume that everyone they’re talking to is also straight? I don’t get that either.

By: John of Indiana

John of Indiana — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 13:30:55 +0000

I must be doing this wrong, Alesx.
I don’t touch people, people don’t touch me, and I feel empty and miserable, not enlightened.

By: Ahmad

Ahmad — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 07:38:08 +0000

Alex, actually I’m not in an ‘Islamic’ society, I live in the UK, London particularly. Although Muslims you meet may understand you, often others do not and one does need to explain themselves a lot – but from our point of view a little bit of explaining does wonders for communication and dialogue.

By: Alex Weber

Alex Weber — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 22:43:38 +0000

Very interesting. I’ve studied Kino a bit myself, and I actually think there’s something to be learned here… When you use touch sparingly, it has more value. Not touching someone can charge the space between you.

Thanks,
Alex

By: Alex Shalman

Alex Shalman — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 13:18:13 +0000

@Ahmad I guess that when you’re in an Islamic community it makes this practice easier, without the consistent need to explain yourself. Same as in Judaism.

By: Ahmad

Ahmad — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 13:16:41 +0000

Its very interesting. In the Islamic world the same concept of Shomer Negiah is applied and practiced by Muslims. To not touch a woman that is not your sister, mother, daughter is a commanded by Islamic texts, although discompensations are made where the intention are pure, often in business dealings and to avoid offending someone – by some scholars. Often one has to explain to the opposite sex in a kind manner that it is a religious practice and not one to offend anyone.

By: Your sister

Your sister — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 23:31:55 +0000

Just to make a small correction. According to laws of family purity you’re actually required to have two separate beds during times of separation.

By: Nate

Nate — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 19:03:46 +0000

Note that most Modern Orthodox Rabbis will allow a formal handshake between people of the opposite sex–in Jewish law (halacha), the consequences of embarrassing someone are worse than violating Shomer Negiah. (A violation of shomer negiah in the strictest sense refers to sensual touching. Most Rabbis expand upon that to include nonsensual touching–as a safeguard.)

Double check with your Rabbi before you start refusing handshakes.

By: Jarrod - Warrior Development

Jarrod - Warrior Development — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 18:22:34 +0000

Thanks for the information, I’ll look to increase my awareness about the internal affects of proximity (and touch).