Ask The Readers: What’s Your Suicide Story?

Ask The Readers: What’s Your Suicide Story?

The topic of suicide is very much a taboo, one that most people shy away from. Despite the proclaimed anathema, suicide continues to be a huge problem, whether we think about it or not. I’m shocked to see some of the statistics for teenage suicide, as well as for adults.

“Anyone desperate enough for suicide…should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.”
~Richard Bach

After writing the article 10 Simple Ways To Commit Suicide, thousands of people have come to this website looking for easy ways to kill themselves. I never realized it was such a problem until the statistics showed a constant flow of people, increasing consistently, looking for these search terms.

Although I’ve personally never entertained the thought of killing myself, I did date someone who occasionally threatened to commit suicide several years ago. She never did do it. While 1 out of 1 is a 100% success ratio, this does not by any means make me an expert in the field.

What I’m looking to do is to start an interactive discussion. If you’ve attempted suicide in the past, if you know someone who has attempted or committed suicide, and certainly if you’re entertaining the thought I’d like to invite you to share your story.

Hopefully this discussion will allow people to get certain things off their chest, and allow others to shed light on the negatives of suicide and hopefully turn people off from this decision.

Who

  • If you’ve attempted to commit suicide
  • If you know someone who attempted suicide
  • If you know someone who killed themselves
  • If you’re thinking about committing suicide

What

  • If you have a story to share about how attempted suicide or someone killing themselves has impacted your life

Where

  • Use the comments area below this post

When

  • This is an ongoing discussion and you can jump in at any time.

Why

Why do people entertain the thought of killing themselves? From the comments on the previous post, and the e-mails that I have been receiving, here is what I think — feel free to add anything else you can think of.

  • Eating Disorders
  • Abuse, Rape, and Molestation
  • Substance Abuse
  • Love Gone Wrong
  • Financial Problems
  • Confusion and Indecision
  • Ongoing Depression
  • Unbearable Stress
  • Chronic Illness

Why do I choose this topic? I feel like it’s important to bring more light to this topic. If even one person feels better from this post, gets inspiration from this site, then I feel like I’ve done my part in the world.

How

  • Bookmark this page on your web browser or on del.icio.us and come back often to keep up with the conversation. This will make following the conversation much easier.
  • Use the subscribe to comments button in order to get an e-mailed copy of the lasted comment right to your e-mail box. This will also make following the conversation must faster and easier.

Subscribing to this blog is definitely one thing I can think of that’s better than committing suicide (and don’t forget to Stumble this article to spread the word.) In the mean time I’m doing more research about this topic. I’m looking for a suicide center nearby where I can receive training and volunteer.

Keep the comments clean!

Posted by in Ask The Readers | September 25, 2008 | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumble | Print | 115 comments

  • kirsty

    im 20 years old, and i’ve tried to commit suicide about 4 times in the past. i have been an on and off self harmer since i was younger, i used to bite myself, hit my head off walls, scratch myself….until i discovered cutting myself when i was about 12. i done this on and off for several years with the attempted suicides. last year i had a bad flip out on a girly holiday and cut myself, trying to hide that in spain is a little difficult i must say, when we returned home i fell into a really deep depression and within a week i was at the verge of ending my life again, i cut my leg to try and help me feel better, i had to seek medical help because i bleed through my work trousers etc. i managed to get myself through it, i done this by myself, my parents aren’t aware that any of this happened. a few months ago before christmas i found myself slowly going back into my old self again, i lost my appettite and lost a stone in weight within just over a month. i began eating again but got signed off work with stress, i went away for a week over my birthday and i felt no better, it was good to get away but i was exhausted from thinking about killing myself at least 2 times daily. i started going to see my doctor who explained things to me, however i found it hard to concentrate on what she was saying, i looked miserable, everytime i drove i woundered what it would feel like if i crashed. we spent weeks talking about me going on antidepressants, i gave up this week and decided it was the best thing for me, i also start councilling next week. the tablets so far have made me have a constant headache, throw up, lose my appettite, not being able to sleep, the few hours i have been getting iv been having weird dreams, they have even made me feel lower but they take a while to kick in i guess…although i still think about suicide i look back and i think why didnt i go and get help before? i did turn to drugs and alcohol and it did make me feel better, but in the long run so much worse. i hope i do get through this for my beautiful family and friends :) i am single, childless, the only thing i have is my jobs and my family.

    someone that i did go to school with commited suicide and i have always said that i envy him…. in reality im not too sure what to think? he left no note no nothing….things change, people change.

  • Nothing Special

    I’m a 35 year old man, by all accounts a ‘good catch’ with a very kind heart, and first tried to kill myself when I was about 12 years old. I grew up in a strict Catholic household where ‘father always knows best’, I guess that was sometimes a cause for grief, but the real reason for my stupid actions is a darkness – a sort of negative seed – that has always existed inside of me. It’s there even in the best of times, and usually there is nothing significant enough in my life to justify it. It’s just dark, plain and simple.

    On that first attempt, I took every pill in my parents medicine chest and started going through the whole list of overdose reactions within minutes. My dad noticed something was wrong and I told him a bug must have stung me. I started convulsing and breaking out in huge hives – he helped me take off all of my clothes and put me in an ice cold bath (we were poor, so a doctor or hospital was out of the question.) I remember blacking out a few times, but it passed and I never told him what really happened.

    The second time was about 5 years later. I stopped eating for about a week. On the 7th day I drove for a few hours and ending up at a hotel room about 300 miles from home. The plan was to take a bunch of sleeping pills and then, before passing out, tie a plastic shopping bag over my head to suffocate. I didn’t get far enough along to actually attempt it, but it was such a dark time, overflowing with feelings of hopelessness.

    I’ve tried suicide several times since then. It’s been a thought, an idea, that has come into my head pretty much every day of my adult life. I guess I never really pulled it off successfully before because even though that ‘dark seed’ is strong, there was something else inside me saying ‘no don’t do it, things might get better.’

    That ‘no don’t do it’ voice has faded over time. I’m beyond crying or caring. When I can go to sleep, I do it with a sharp knife by my bed. The darkness is on permanent loop in my head: I am nothing, my body is disgusting, my mind is not worth knowing – I should just fade away with the least noise possible. I don’t intentionally want to hurt the few other people in my life, but I think if they could somehow plug into my pain they would understand my actions.

    I would never wish for anyone to go through these emotions. The darkness handicaps you and mutes all joy. Everybody dies and I am so close now. This is just how it goes I guess.

  • martin

    Hi my names Martin. Im 23 years old. My depression started when i was 6 years old! my father told me i wasnt his, and being the eldest of my siblings and now the odd one out he used to make my childhood miserable. Not getting to do the ‘normal’ things as a child. Not knowing to this day who my biological father is, losing my uncle in April ’09 through a terminal illness, being unemployed, having no qualifications or skills to work, and being extremely unmotivated to work, mother and father divorced, mothers now depndent on alcohol, having my first child at 17 and then two more shortly after in a relationship that has more arguments than god knows what. I simply dont want my kids to think less of me if or when i end this joke of a life. I have tried several times to kill myself only to realise im a coward on top of everything else. it has come to the point now that ive ended the relationship, im not going out at all and sitting, staring, thinking, planning how to end it. I feel like the end is near, i just need someones advice. Someone who knows whats happening to me. Please

  • Slick

    Im an early teen father, and feeling extreamly depressed, because my child got taken away by the government to a foster home, all because i wasn’t there, and that wasn’t myfault.

    I was down in southern BC and i went up to where i lived previously to visit, but when i got up there, i saw my ex, but my child was not there, we cried for a week, and a started drinking and smoking, still do, i have nearrly killed myself, cause where i lived up there, we hunted, so i was going to take a .257 winchester to head, but my skitzophrenia made me quit it (thats the only time it was nice to me)
    but even as tears crawl past my cheeks now, i seek guidance, and possibly, a cure so that my skitzophrenia will be less violent with me, i can hardly live with myself. Ive tried to find another girlfriend to push aside negative and enjoy life withanother, but it hasnt happened. please help.

  • amanda

    to all out there:
    dont think death is an escape for you
    or that in the grave there will be peace
    for how do we know???
    maybe this life now is the gift you asked for
    hold on
    have faith
    its all ganna work itself out
    pray to G-d, the all Merciful One
    to ease it all
    love yourself
    its ganna be good:)
    just have patience,
    (talking to myself mostly)

  • Caitlin

    Sorry everyone, another long comment. As most people seem to be, I am just going to share my experiences of suicidal thoughts.

    I seem to go through cycles of depression where even though I try to do the things that I enjoy and be around the people that I love, I can’t shake the thoughts that it wouldn’t make a difference if I died. I am entirely aware that it would make a huge difference to everyone and could even affect some of my loved one so badly that they themselves could suffer from the same kind of depression through grief. But knowing that I am wrong doesn’t get rid of the thoughts.

    I fairly half-heartedly attempted to drown myself when I was about twelve, and I have been to see a counsellor since, when it all gets too much. What I don’t understand is that the suicidal feelings don’t always have a connection to what is happening in my life. I am now 20 and today for the first time in about a year I started considering suicide again, looking up methods and so on which is how I found this site. I handed in the final two essays and completed the final exam of my degree a few hours ago but now all I can think about is how much paracetamol I have in the house and whether it is enough to kill myself.

    I wouldn’t say that I feel particularly depressed today, there is just a sense that it is going to be so long until I am truly happy again that it isn’t worth the wait. My reason over the last three years for not attempting suicide again has been that it would be such a waste to have started a degree and not completed it. Obviously I have been considering my family and friends’ feelings too.

    The difference today is that now my degree is over and I really don’t think that it would be that difficult for my loved ones to get over my death. There is nobody else in the house and, as happens every time I feel this way, there is a feeling at the back of my mind that someone is daring me to go through with it.

    Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I am a cheerful and positive person. I have an active social life and strong ties with my family. I will probably never go through with the temptation to commit suicide. I certainly won’t today. For the very same reasons that I won’t do the deed, I also will not ever tell my family that I have considered it. Only a very few of my friends know that I have ever tried and even they have probably forgotten since it most likely appears so out of character for me and it has been so long since I told them.

    What I am trying to get across by writing all of this is that even when you have been through these feelings yourself, it is very difficult to understand them. The main difficulty with them is that they can catch you so much by surprise that you become unpredictable, even to yourself. I have come to recognise the warning signs and so I know that when I imagine throwing myself under a bus as it drives past or counting out the pills to take, it is time to re-evaluate the day and do something that makes me feel better.

    I can imagine my life in another 20 years’ time. I’ll be married with children, happy, involved with the community and in contact with a supportive network of friends and family. But realistically, it won’t be that easy. All marriages face difficulties, and with a history of depression it would be pure fantasy to say that once I find the right man any suicidal inclinations, however rare, will disappear. I have a huge amount of hope that all of these things will happen, but as soon as I think of the reality of it, it seems so far away and so unachievable that going out in some sort of twisted blaze of glory now seems both easier and more desirable than waiting another twenty years for the kind of happiness that will turn out to be impossible anyway.

    Don’t any of you worry for me, I am fine. As I say I recognise the warning signs. This has been a good place to get the feelings off my chest and I do feel better for it. It is good to be able to talk about these things openly and without fear of judgement.

    Thanks xx

  • Mark White

    I am considering suicide as one option these days. I am a strong person and never had this kind of feeling earlier. I’ve faced huge difficulties and found solutions to them by myself. Its unfortunate that today I have to consider suicide as an option because I can’t face one single fact. This fact today has devestated my entire journey of life. I don’t know if god will ever forgive me for this but yes I am considering suicide as my final option. I am not afraid of this world, my carrer, money, success or anything but I am afraid of myself. And litrelly till yesterday everything was just fine, I was fighting with my thoughts but today i don’t know what happened and I feel like someone really wants me in the other world and I am waisting my time here. But journey till now was really beautiful. Don’t know how will I ever leave everything behind….

  • Kat

    I’m seriously contemplating suicide for the following reasons:

    1. I have been in constant, excruciating, chronic pain for the last several years, diagnosed as fibromyalgia and ankylosing spondylosis along with spinal injuries suffered in a 1988 auto accident in which I was nearly killed. The medication for the pain that used to help no longer helps, and the stronger narcotics, such as morphine, methadone, dilaudid, etc., worsen my severe dead-like feeling (like the life force was pulled from me years ago) so that I am entirely bed-ridden, and also give me severe side effects that I cannot tolerate (severe, constant itching day and night, for instance);

    2. I sold a home in a neighborhood where, in addition to graffiti, stabbings, shootings and gang members everywhere (I dare not wear the color red), just to name a few, my next-door neighbor, who apparently was manufacturing meth, was shot and lay bleeding in my driveway in the early morning hours one day so that my house, of course, was cordoned off with yellow tape. Except for the vibration of my home’s front and back yards from the bass of the five-foot-tall speakers in the yards of neighbors directly next to me and behind me at all hours of the day and night so that I couldn’t sleep, the area was … quiet once a month or so for a few minutes at a time. I sought help from the city and organizations that claim to help the disabled, but no one would help me other than to advise me to “move to an area with an HOA”.

    Not sleeping much or at all for seven years (2001 to 2008) apparently can wreak havoc on one’s body and brain, and I literally felt that I experienced a sudden “brain break” not once but several times during that period, “episodes” that permanently altered how my brain works.

    More on “brain break” to come, maybe. So I purchased a smaller, what appeared to be a lower-maintenance home in a quiet neighborhood, only to find that there are a slew of major issues I had no clue about, a home inspector failed to find, I failed to find until living here, and for which no one is responsible. The builder is not responsible because more than a decade has passed. The city is not responsible because, for instance, the pipes in the ground that go to the city’s main are considered to be the homeowner’s property (I advise every homeowner to take their pipes with them after selling their homes!). The homeowner’s association is not responsible because they are merely a volunteer do-nothing group and the property management company is only responsible for taking care of the common areas.

    Every company I have hired has taken advantage of me, lied to me and screwed me over so that I have to keep having (or trying to have) the same things repaired again and again and again. I have sought help from the state’s attorney general, who can’t do anything, and from my state’s Registrar of Contractors, but the inspector I am “stuck” with claims that all these things are “good enough” (yes, if it’s “good enough” that my bedroom’s foundation is literally breaking apart from the rest of the house!). If I were independently wealthy, which I’m not, I wouldn’t mind getting ripped off over and over and over and over and over again until I found an honest company (surely, that’s how the wealthy keep their wealth!), but I’ve reached my financial limit.

    3. My geographically nearby relatives don’t want to have anything to do with me, for various reasons, including many I don’t know and will never know, such as: a. I did not attend a niece’s wedding about nine years ago because I was extremely ill and bedridden and because the niece had forbid me from “talking to, going near, touching, or having anything to do with” her then-boyfriend (now husband) after I had called him on his cell phone to get my niece’s cell phone number as she was in nursing school and I was extremely short of breath. She was angry that I had his cell phone number because she thought I was perverted in such a way that I would want to “steal” a guy young enough to be my son, although I have no history of “stealing” men, much less the men any of my female relatives are married to, engaged to, sleeping with, interested in, etc., because I have morals, like an idiot. I only had his cell number, in fact, because I paid him to stay at my house to care for my now-deceased — due to ingestion of tainted pet food treats which I stupidly thought were somehow regulated — golden retriever while I was in California visiting a boyfriend who was my age; b. because I told the same niece what her mother (one of what is said to be my two sisters) had told me about her, alienating her forever, despite many apologies. In fact, she lives very nearby but has never once been to my home nor has invited me to hers. And she has never once called me nor returned a call from me or sent me a card, etc. Yet I was very close with this niece, spoiling her rotten, obviously literally, for most of her life, which apparently doesn’t matter to her; c. No one wants to hear about my pain, and if I don’t talk about my pain, then they don’t like it if I say nothing and just listen, or if I mumble or if I have “a look” on my face or if I’m alive and taking up valuable space; d. I am “invisble” too often, and it frightens them: I would take one of my nieces to the mall, for instance, when she was younger, and even though people often “crash” their bodies directly into me (since I am 5 feet 9 inches tall and Xena-like), I never dreamed that the “invisibility” would, for lack of a better term, “spread”. But no, my nieces and/or nephews would also be run into as though they weren’t there. And this extends to whatever car I’m driving too. No matter who has been behind the wheel or in the passenger seat, including one sister, my mother, etc., whatever car(s) I’ve owned have been hit at least 17 times, mostly while stopped at a red light or a Stop sign. The people who hit whatever car it was actually said that they “didn’t know (they) hit anything”, “didn’t see (my) car”, “didn’t think (you) would stop”, “thought (you’d) just hit the (pedestrians) in the crosswalk” and on and on and on. It’s obvious even to me that I’m a “harbinger of bad luck”, as one former friend referred to me;

    4. I have no one person in all the world who cares for me and cares what happens to me or would help me as my body continues to break down physically. In the last year, I have lost the hearing in my right ear, I am almost legally blind and I am only 47 years old. The doctors don’t know what to do, can do nothing or literally are so inexperienced that treatment that might have helped me at some point was not provided, which I didn’t learn until many months and/or years later. To reiterate, not one person will help me nor wants to help me and I am in constant, excruciating pain that is unrelieved by current pain medications. I cannot afford to be in the hospital full-time on a morphine drip (nor would I want to because I would be scratching all night due to the unbearable itch!) and the pain will not go away. The more I try to do for myself, the worse the pain gets.

    I will miss dogs because I really adore them, and I will desperately miss my dogs, both of whom I allowed to suffer for too long due to lack of proper diagnosis by veterinarians nearby and within a 35-mile (one-way) radius of my home. I will never regret the money I spent on my beloved canines, both of whom exhibited an infinite loyalty and an infinite capacity to love, just two of the qualities missing among humankind.

  • Kat

    One more thing: I must have heard the quote by Richard Bach at some point in my life because in moving while in excruciating physical pain, I made myself so much worse, but did so because I was going to yet another extreme to solve my problems, which I’ve tried for several years, literally. And each time I went to an extreme in desperation, I wound up worse off. So I guess suicide will be the last desperate “creative extreme” I use to solve my problems.

    As for people who believe in God, I have always been a good, moral, honest person who followed something called “The Golden Rule” and it has resulted in my becoming more and more worse off physically, mentally and financially, in every aspect of my life. I am entirely alone. If there is a God, he hates me, and now I hate him. Whereas when I was much younger, I believed in God and a place called heaven, I now believe that there is no God, no heaven, no hell, nothing. We just are not any longer. And that’s fine with me because when I’m not, I won’t realize that I’m not because I won’t have a mind or a living brain.

  • juanita

    Hi Alex, i’m 26 and i have a 3 year old son. i have had it with life and my son and i are always in the way. his father has never cared long enough to stay and my mother is a pain in the….well. people at my work always find something to put to the side and treat me like a child. for the last week or so i have thought of killing my son and myself. what do i do.

  • Melanie

    I feel like sometimes it would be the easiest thing to do. Yet I have no way to do it, maybe that’s how I know I shouldn’t do it. I feel like it’s the only solution I have, I don’t have kids, a job, friends, anything to keep me here.

  • Moon

    Guys i want to live life at its full…but i ve failed to get whatever i wanted to get, always.
    in education i always wanted to top but i remained an average student throughout my life. i wanted to live a very pure and fair life…but i failed!
    now i want to die b,coz i am caught up in intricate relation.. i love a person, and my mother lover her also as a son. she is mad after him. he is nice to both of us. my mother is used to tell him, sms him openly that how muych she loves her but i can,t do it coz of my personal n social code of morality. now what is wrong with me is that he has also started giving her back emotional responces. they used to talk whole day n night and it gives a sort of pain to me,,i know its possesivness. i never ever was jealous in my life bit now it gives a sort of jealousy to me, and i also feel ashamed of it. that person is my ideal n i thought him very very much pure. he is our family member n my father n brothers have no objection on there relation. two nights ago i saw them hugging n that has darkened my whole life….. why they were doimg so in this way??/ that was unbearable coz i can never expected it from him….he was pure…he is a shy persson for all other girls. he is a teacher, i am his student, and this is how we got introduced and then he became a part of our lives. after that night i have not talked to them and you know they are also not talking to them. im confined to my room n dnt want to talk them as well. i want to die..i,m broken..but only coz of my father n his respect i.m stopping myself.
    NOW CAN ANYONE ANSWER MY PROBLEM?????

  • Smarty Pants

    What happened to the moderators? There are people posting here in 2010 saying they want to commit suicide and nobody is answering them cos this page was started in 2008… no follow through.

    Anyway, contemplating suicide. Obsessing over it for the past few months, or longer.

    If I do kill myself, I leave a horrible legacy to my kid, but I resent the connection to my kid’s father, and I can’t cope having him in my life. I feel utterly trapped. And having a kid makes me feel even more trapped.

    I could kill my kid and then kill myself, but even in my darkest moments, when I contemplate this, I can just about picture myself doing it, and then I feel so sad at the thought of killing off my kid, just so the dad can’t have access either.

    Really I guess I want him dead, but again, won’t act on it. I just pray fervently every day that his motorcycle falls under a big truck one rainy slippery day.

    But then I feel so guilty for that and think I should be the one to die rightfully. I’m mentally ill and a mentally ill mother alive or dead is a shitty thing for a kid to have to cope with. Either way my kid is screwed for life– if I live, or die, it doesn’t matter. A lifetime of therapy is the legacy I leave behind, either way.

    I didn’t want my life to end up like this. I didn’t want to be the kind of mother I am.

    The father should be in jail, but isn’t, for what he did to me, but I don’t have recourse as too much time has passed.

    Having him in my life on a weekly basis is killing me anyway, so really the only way I can see out of it is death to one, or all of us.

  • eddie

    I m trying my best but i think suicide is my ultimate option…

  • http://google TSHIRELETSO

    I WANT TO DESPERATELY END MY LIFE, IT’S JUST SO MISERABLE. IAM A SPENDAHOLIC AND A BIG DUMMY, CANT DU ANETANG RYT, NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME AND EVERYTHING IS JUST TERREBLE. IAM A 20 YEAR OLD STUDENT AND I’VE MADE ALOT OF STUPID MISTAKES IN ALMOST EVRI ASPECT OF MY LIFE. ON SUNDAY I’L TRY N HANG MYCELF OR TAKE SLEEPING PILLS I HATE MY LIFE, M SINGLE N DONT EVEN CONSIDER HAVIN A BOYFRIEND COZ M JUS MISERABLE WISH I CULD BE KNOCKED DAWN BY A TRUCK ASAP. M JUS A STUPID FUCKER GOD SHULDV SPENT HIS TYM CREATIN USEFUL AND SUCESSFUL PEOPLE INSTEAD OF USELESS FUCKERS LIKE MYCELF. CANT BLIV I’V JUS XPRESSD MY FILINGZ