Alex Shalman . comPractical Personal Development

“How can you have charisma? Be more concerned about making others feel good about themselves than you are making them feel good about you.”
~Dan Reiland

It was a beautiful Sunday night in Israel when we arrived at the party. It was being held at a multimillionaires loft in order to honor his sons accomplishment, and we were invited. I wasn’t very surprised to see Kelly (alias) there - after all she’s the best networker I know. On the other hand, when she said I’m known for my networking skills, and that she’s one to know, it got me thinking.

I never liked to look at networking as some skill set that I have. Instead I looked at it as putting together a couple of things I learned here and there, and just getting to know people. As my virtual Rolodex began to fill up, and my friends started to ask me more and more questions about networking, I knew I was onto something. I got serious about analyzing the things I was doing that were working for me, and the ones that would also work for my friends (and you).

One thing that you should know about me is that I’m an extroverted-introvert (I might have just made up that terminology). That means that I love time to myself to read, write, and exercise, while at the same time I really enjoy talking to people, going to large social gatherings, and being the center of attention when I need to be. You might be either an extrovert, or an introvert, and it’s important for you to know yourself so that you can work with your personal strengths.

1. Show Up Early. It seems that a lot of people these days tend to show up “fashionably late.” I personally hate when I’m late, so I always leave an abundance of time to get to my destination. I’ve noticed that when it comes to networking it really pays off to be early.

You’re at an advantage because you might stumble into the host, or whoever is your main networking target, and get them all to yourself for a few extra moments. You also have the opportunity to introduce yourself to more people, building rapport within the group, which could later convert to people putting in a good word for you.

2. Own The Building. When you walk into a building for a conference, or to meet someone for networking purposes, it’s important to remember that everyone is important. I call this owning the building, because I chit chat with everyone from the security, front desk, janitors, and employees.

By the time I get to my target I’m feeling confident, sociable, and might even have a couple of extra pieces of information or anecdotes to inject into the conversation thanks to my new friends downstairs. In general it’s a great idea to just be fun and sociable, and to enjoy life. Allow other people to experience the fun that you’re having in your own little world as well.

3. Feel Their Essence. I hate when people are overbearing and keep talking at me about things that are of no consequence to me. On the other hand I love talking to people, getting to know them, and hearing what they have to say. I take the fact that I hate overbearing types as a sign that other people like to do more talking then they like to listen; after all, the most interesting person you know is yourself.

I use this to my advantage by proactively listening to the people I’m with. I eliminate all distractions, and I listen for clues in their speech for what they really want to talk about. You could use this method to show up to a job interview, and to talk about everything else but the interview, and in this way gain favor from the interviewer as well as the job.

4. Passionate Curiosity. I’m infatuated with passion of all kinds. If I see a person that gets excited about something they have to say, I get automatically turned on to this conversation. I unobtrusively follow up with questions to find out more. Not only do I want to know what’s so interesting, but why it’s so interesting to them, and why they’re so motivated to disclose this information.

I’ve recently noticed myself utilizing this technique and in 20 minutes found out, step by step, how the man I was talking to created an insurance company that was making 40 million per year. The guy was absolutely fascinating to talk to, and I’ll definitely be calling the number he gave me for follow up conversations.

5. Speak Clearly. If you’re doing everything correctly, but you aren’t speaking clearly, you’re going to find that you’ve hit a bottleneck in your networking effectiveness. I know some brilliant, intelligent, and motivated people that have such amazing things to say that they say them all at the same time.

There’s no reason to rush, so relax, and speak clearly. Organize your thoughts, and say exactly what you mean, with as few words as you need to get your message across. It isn’t necessary to tell someone your life story to ask them where the bathroom is, so don’t get caught up in the non-essentials which may possibly turn people off to you and classify you as an excessive talker.

6. Track Your Target. I know this sounds a bit stalker-like, but I assure you it’s not. Whenever my friends ask me for dating advice, because they aren’t seeing anyone, I start off with one important piece of advice. I ask them to define exactly what kind of person they’re looking for, and what their non-negotiables are.

I then ask them to figure out what type of places this specific type of person would frequent. I’m talking about where would they shop, work out, read books, watch races, or whatever you’re person would be doing.

You then take this dating philosophy and apply it to networking. Where would the business professionals or customers that you want to network with be frequently found. Will they frequent a networking event, a business seminar, or eat at a certain place that is frequented by people in their field. Once you’re in a position to bump into someone, you’re much more capable of sealing the deal.

7. Find Other Networking Rockstars. This is called networking for lazy people. Actually, it’s more lke networking for smart people. Find someone that has already made leaps and bounds with their network in the specific niche that you’re trying to tackle. Ask them to introduce you to the other key players and work yourself out from this center.

I happened to have met some key figures in the finance industry in the New York City area. I happened to take interest in them as self-developed people, and really enjoy the conversations that we have. I personally have no use for them as a business contact, at least not at this time, because I’m nowhere near the finance industry. Enter my friends, many of whom are into finance, and I’m happy to introduce them to the right people and help their career along.

Then there is my rockstar personal trainer. The type of people in her network are world class athletes, iron men, and regular people in my area that are health & fitness enthusiasts. In this way I enjoy hanging out with her and her friends because they’re all really smart and take care of their bodies. I’m sure I’ll be learning a thing or two from them everytime we hang out.

8. Plug Yourself. Whenever you’re having a casual conversation with someone you meet, or catching up with an acquaintance, don’t be shy to throw in a sentence about what’s important to you at the moment. The worst case scenario is they’ll be bored by what you say. The likely scenario is that they’ll think it’s great, but it will end there. In certain cases they’ll remember something they heard, or a friend that might help, and they’ll help you to make the proper connection.

An example of this would be if I said that I’ve been really enjoying my writing sessions, and I would like to expand this area of my life from freelancing online to writing for print publications. I would be interested in writing about health, fitness, and any other area of self-improvement in a magazine or newspaper column. Now, if you happen to know someone in that industry, you should feel inclined to make the connection for us!

9. Be The Mirror. Every person exhibits their own unique energy at different times in the day. You might walk into an interview joyful and energized while the person at the other end of the table is in a more serious mood. You don’t want to go ahead and mess up your vibe, so the key is to tone yourself down and emulate them in the power of your speech, posture, and speed of your movements.

I find this to be a very useful technique. It creates an element of comfort and connection between you and the person you’re talking to. You’re basically appealing to their emotions, which relay to them that you’re on the same wave length as them, and that you’re just like them in general.

10. Be Accessible & Approachable. I’m pretty easy to get in touch with, especially when I want to be, and I’m rarely found without a business card to give away. This allows people to follow up with me, and opens the door for them to give me their personal contact information as well.

When you have an open mentality that screams “I LOVE PEOPLE,” you’ll notice more people coming up to you and being more open about what’s important to them. I try to look for what’s important to people, and to cater to that need if I can.

11. Live An Exciting Life. The way to live an exciting life is to do something that you’re completely passionate about. People will start recognizing you, and showing you respect, because you’re out there doing what you love and not letting life pass you by.

That respect comes from the fact that people recognize hard work, achievement, and like to take a moment to appreciate it. Once you have someones respect, you’re better able to leverage the relationship in order to create a mutually beneficially venture.

12. Be The Persistent Initiator. You never know when someone is too shy in order to make the first move. Sometimes their shyness can make someone appear cold, or unapproachable, which is just a safety mechanism so that they don’t have to risk getting rejected. This is another scenario that mimicks that of a dating situation.

At my internship I’m constantly pressing the director to “introduce me to some cool people.” This statement is somewhat unobtrusive, but it’s very clearly understood that I’d like to be introduced to the higher ups in the building for a networking opportunity. I guess asking every day makes me a pain in the butt, but I think persistence is key here!

13. Comfort in Speaking. You need to be able to feel just as comfortable in front of one person as you do in front of a small group of people. Often times life will put you as the center of attention, and you have to know how to casually pull it off, and not choke up, by saying the right thing at the right time.

I’ve spent a lot of time in social interactions such as night clubs, and dances, as well as professional settings, and small group events. I think it pays off to do some public speaking, because once you’re comfortable speaking in front of a small group of people that support you, you’ll be that much more effective in a 1 on 1 setting.

14. Serve Up Some Vanity. I already mentioned that the most interesting person to you is yourself. The same thing holds for the person to your left, and the person to your right. This is why you want to genuinely inquire about someone, and allow them the time and space to fully express themselves.

The other thing you want to do, although it might sound trivial, is to use the persons name often in conversation. For example, you could say “Oh Alex, that’s really funny,” or the one that never fails “Wow, Alex! You are so handsome!” — People like that!

15. The Power of Touch. This may not always be appropriate in formal situations, and you have to be careful that the person isn’t religiously against touching, but if you’re feeling comfortable you should go for it. If someone makes a funny remark, you can give them a light tap on their elbow or side of their shoulder.

This creates a bond and increases the comfort level between you and another person. We’re all here to connect with people and develop relationships, so what you’re doing is speeding up the process a bit.

The quote at the beginning of this article best captures the root of my networking approach. I do my best to pay attention to the person I’m speaking to. Without any gimmicks, or tricks, I simply look for what they need, what I can do for them, and what they’re all about.

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Tell us your favorite networking technique in the comments below.

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