Biggest Dating Mistake: Diluting Core Values For Girls

Biggest Dating Mistake: Diluting Core Values For Girls

While I’ve always been stunningly handsome, extremely intelligent, and exceptionally modest, I haven’t always said or done the right thing when it comes to members of the other species; females.

I’m going to keep it real and talk about a problem that has been the bane of my existence as I was growing up. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, I MIGHT be the only one, but I am guilty of sacrificing what I want, and who I am, in order to fit into a girl’s life.

Growing up most kids don’t have firm opinions on their own identity, where they’re going in life, or what moral stances are most important to them. I was no exception, and was easily swayed by peer pressure, which led to some bad decisions.

No decisions were as bad as the ones I made in order to please girls. I mentioned I didn’t have a FIRM moral stance on certain issues, but gray area or not, I had an intuitive feeling if something wasn’t ultimately right or wrong. The only thing that was easily swayed was my justification of things being okay to do “just this once.”

My Mistakes

In my escapades of trying to please girls I’ve gone through adopting a certain music and fashion sense, changing my hair, piercing my ear, traveling 2 hours in a ridiculously bad blizzard, buying them stuff, being nice to parents I didn’t particularly like, and putting up with their best-friends who were absolutely unfit to be friends with.

At one point I even smoked cigarettes because a girl who I was madly infatuated with smoked. We’d often go for a walk, or sit in the park, and smoke a few cigarettes while we talked. Eventually I’d even smoke when I wasn’t with her, which turned into a very unhealthy habit that my asthma hated me for.

An interesting thing to note is that during the periods of time where I was feeling the most desperate and needy, I actually got the most girls. This might be counter intuitive to what you thought I was about to say, but the truth is that at these lowest points of self-restraint and ‘standards’ I overplayed the numbers game and ended up with a few bottom of the rung girls.

It should be noted that while I might have gotten these girls, who were for sure of low standard and quality, this type of behavior never got me the high-quality girls, who I would ultimately go on to admire and have a super fun and healthy relationship with (such as current and best girlfriend ever!)

Yes, girls can sense when you’re needy, and it is actually quite repulsive, but the lowest quality girls are even needier and don’t seem to care. That’s why the high-quality girls, the ones that are actually worth your time, won’t usually fall for these low-level tactics.

My Revelation

When that starts to make sense in your own mind you realize that you have a few viable choices. You can continue your behavior and continue to pursue things that aren’t worth more than one night of your life, if that. Alternatively, you can change your state of mind, and ultimately your behavior, in order to become the type of person who is naturally attractive to the high value girls.

This is actually much easier to do than it sounds. I believe that we actually flip a switch in our mind when we make a decision and take action on it. For me that decision was to decide exactly the type of woman I want to marry, have children and build a life long passionate friendship with.

The main ingredient in what I did was to take action. The first step was to figure out what it was that I needed to do. I think that most people are able to figure out what type of questions they need to ask themselves with enough maturity and experience. I also think that anyone has the potential to take action on this information when given a chance and the right motivation.

I would love nothing more than for you to have the type of relationship that I have described, but unfortunately I can’t go to your house, ask you these questions, and motivate you to do what’s best for you. Trust me, I had a roommate in college who I couldn’t pursuade to take ANY action. I literally locked him in a room with a girl who was willing and able, and he ended up running out of the room scared.

Free Advice

Ultimately, if you want to go for bottom of the rung, or if you refuse to work on your confidence and social skills, then there isn’t anything I can do for you. On the other hand, if you do want to take your life into your hands, I’d like to give you some FREE advice.

I’ve taken what I learned since I started dating in sixth grade and I’ve written down the things that have worked for me. The important ones that got me the self-confidence, and skill, in order to get the girls that were not only the highest quality, but the best fit for me, and put them into my free ebook, for your reading pleasure, titled How to Get a Girlfriend.

The funny thing is that after you know the right questions, and you start filtering out girls and being selective, you will naturally be more confident, which will automatically make you more attractive to girls without compromising who you are.

If you’ve enjoyed this post, please vote for it on StumbleUpon. I appreciate it!

Posted by in Featured, Relationships | December 5, 2008 | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumble | Print | 15 comments

  • http://www.cravingbalance.com/craving-balance Lisa Gates

    Fabulously talented, handsome, witty and self-effacing Alex: this is BRILLIANT. I’d like to add that setting aside core values is a human thing, and it’s double trouble for girls. So I’m thinking your ebook is a must read for everyone. Go get it girls.

  • http://www.alexshalman.com Alex Shalman

    @Lisa Gates: Yes, yes, but you’re only saying that because you’ve met me in person, and got a very accurate representation of who I am, LOL =)

  • http://www.cravingbalance.com/craving-balance Lisa Gates

    Nooo, I’m saying it so you’ll get 620 marriage proposals. :-)

  • http://www.alexshalman.com Alex Shalman

    LOL. I’m not in the market for marriage proposals, but hopefully I’ll get another 620 book downloads today! Thanks!

  • http://www.healthmoneysuccess.com Vincent

    Hey Alex,

    I think most of us had gone through this period of diluting our core values for the ladies and yes, I am guilty of it too ;)

    I wonder if the girls do that too?

    Cheers
    Vincent
    Personal Development Blogger

  • http://www.insightwriter.com Jeremy Day

    Hi Alex,

    I was thinking what Vincent said. This can be applied to girls too. Not sure if you have done it already but you should convince your girlfriend to write the womanly side of this article. Or maybe a fellow woman blogger. Just an idea. :-)

    Cheers,
    Jeremy

  • Pingback: The Eclectic Mix | Insight Writer

  • http://www.alexshalman.com Alex Shalman

    @Vincent Yes, girls definitely do it too, but I just chose to write this through my eyes.

    @Jeremy I asked Marina if she would like to write this, as per your request, and she said she would love to. Good call!

  • http://www.lifemadegreat.com LifeMadeGreat | Juliet

    Hi

    Yup, the woman do it too. From what I’ve seen, the first thing they do is neglect their friendships.
    And I think that the loss of self becomes even worse as the relationship becomes more long-term. I’ve seen women give up their own interests and take up their partner’s interest. No more painting, buy a moterbike!

    I definitely agree with deciding on what you want in a partner and focussing on that. What I’ve found is that you don’t even need to expend much energy on eliminating the “wrong” ones. The “right” one just seems to appear. Call it law of attraction or manifestation, or right attitude, whatever, it sure works.

    Juliet

  • http://thebwildecolumn.blogspot.com/ B.Wilde

    I especially like your point about becoming the kind of person who will attract those with the same values, rather than changing our values for others. Great concept to live by.

  • http://www.TheNiceLife.com Brandon Merhout

    Alex,

    Great article! I’m currently dealing with the possibility of making a serious life change for a girl. It’s a very confusing place for me, because I’ve fallen in love, and lost sight of my personal strength and clarity. Oh the power of a woman. :/

  • http://www.fasblog.com/ Money Money Money

    Well put Alex. I think a person should like you for what you are and not what they can make you out to be.

  • http://seniormeeting.co.uk/ Steven L

    Hello. Great job. I did not expect this on a Wednesday. This is a great story. Thanks!

  • mitek

    > I literally locked him in a room with a girl who was willing and able, and he ended up running out of the room scared.

    It’s all your fault.You didn’t lock ‘em well enough, and he was able to escape. If you just made sure the door is secured, and the only way out was through the window, the things might’ve turned out differently :))

  • http://www.uwsp.edu/ATHLETICS/mbb/05-06/roster.htm Team Roster

    Best you should change the webpage name Biggest Dating Mistake: Diluting Core Values For Girls | Alex Shalman.com to something more better for your content you create. I enjoyed the post however.