10 Ways to Improve Your Happiness by Changing Your Vocabulary
This is a guest post by Pace of Pace and Kyeli.
“I believe the choice to be excellent begins with aligning your thoughts and words with the intention to require more from yourself.” ~Oprah Winfrey
You’ve heard about the power of positive thinking, right? Everyone’s raving about it. If you simply think positively, rainstorms will turn into rainbows, red lights will turn green, and your in-laws will suddenly turn into human beings. Right? Right?!
Well, it’s true… all except for the “simply” part. Because taming the wild stallion of your randomly rampaging thoughts is not really that simple and not really that easy.
I’ll tell you what you can control, though: your words. By making a few changes in your vocabulary, you can turn steaming piles of crap into 100% organic fertilizer. You can turn an inconvenient power outage into cuddle time with your sweetie. And you can turn obligations into opportunities. Words shape thoughts, and you’ll find that if you change your words for the better, your thoughts will change for the better too, and so will your life.
1. Should Have you heard the expression “Stop shoulding all over yourself”? Well, let’s clean that “should” off your pants and replace it with some organic fertilizer, because every obligation can be rephrased as a desire. Instead of “I should go to the store,” how about “I want to go to the store because I’m hungry and I want to buy some food”?
2. Ought “I ought to get this work done before I go to the party.” What do you want to do? Weigh your preferences. How good or bad would you feel about getting the work done first? How good or bad would you feel about leaving it undone? Figure out what you most want, and then do it. In any case, let go of the obligation. “I want to get this work done before I go to the party, because I’ll feel a lot better once it’s finished.”
3. Need to “I need to walk the dog.” How about instead, “I want our dog to be happy and healthy, and I want to have a nice, clean, poop-free house, so I’m going to walk the dog.”
4. Have to “I have to go to work.” Well, no. You don’t have to. It’s just that your actions have consequences. Even if you don’t enjoy the process of getting there, you might really want the end result. So maybe a more positive way to phrase it would be, “I want to make money, so I’m going to go to work.” Keeping your goal in mind can make the process of getting there better for you.
5. Must “I must go to bed now or else I’ll be tired and groggy all day tomorrow.” Okay, you got me, nobody actually talks like this. But you get the idea, right? “Must”, another obligation word, and again you can rephrase it positively as a desire. “I’ll go to bed now because I want to feel alert and awake tomorrow.” Doesn’t that take a weight off your shoulders and make you feel better about it?
For me, words are a form of action, capable of influencing change.
~Ingrid Bengis
6. Can’t Enough of obligation words, limiting words are even more dangerous. How many times do we say “I can’t” when it’s not really true? “I can’t write well.” Maybe you don’t write well right now, but you can if you put your mind to it. If you wanted to, you could practice and learn and gain new skills. So how about “I’m not that great at writing yet?” “Can’t” closes a door. You can stick your foot in that door and prop it open by choosing other words.
7. Impossible “It’s impossible for me to be a professional athlete; I’m just naturally clumsy.” You know what? I’ve seen a one-legged man compete in a Dance Dance Revolution tournament — and win. Nothing is impossible, it just takes time, practice, and dedication. Talent is completely irrelevant in the face of determination. How about “It’s possible for me to be a professional athlete if I want to put in the time and effort.”
8. Never “I could never sing as well as her.” Again, you probably could. Even if today, the sound of you singing in the shower sends birds spiraling disoriented into the ground, that’s just today. You can improve, you can get better, and you can keep getting better for as long as you want to. She probably took hours and hours of voice lessons, so you’re not being fair to yourself. “I could sing as well as her or better if I put my mind to it.”
9. Smack In addition to limiting words, violent words can bring unnecessary negativity into your life. “I’m gonna smack you if you don’t shut up right now!” If that’s really true, then that’s cool, you’re speaking authentically. But I found myself saying this when what I really meant was, “I’m feeling upset and frustrated because I can’t concentrate with a lot of noise around. Could you please be quiet? I’d really appreciate it.” When I rephrased my vocabulary this way, the people around me felt a lot more considered and respected.
10. Kill Now this one I hope you’re not saying with authenticity. “I’m going to kill you if you leave the toilet seat up one more time!” That’s one way to express anger and frustration, but how about expressing it directly instead? “I feel angry and hurt when you leave the toilet seat up, because it seems inconsiderate to me, like you don’t care about my comfort or our shared space.” The “kill” phrasing is likely to lead to an argument, but the “I feel” phrasing is likely to lead to a conversation that might make things better.
These are just 10 of the many words you can rephrase to improve your life. It’s even easier and more fun with a partner. Pick a word that you’d like to rephrase, and ask your partner to let you know whenever you use that word. It can be challenging, but it’s also incredibly rewarding!
What other words can you think of that would improve your life if you rephrased them? Let us know in the comments!
Pace is a communication coach, personal development junkie, blogger, and entrepreneur. She and her wife Kyeli have just published a book entitled The Usual Error: Why We Don’t Understand Each Other and 34 Ways to Make It Better. They blog at PaceAndKyeli.com.
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Posted by Pace in Communication | December 19, 2008 | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumble | Print | 20 comments
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- 10 Ways to Improve Your Happiness by Changing Your Vocabulary | Pace and Kyeli - December 19th, 2008
- Rephrase and Improve Your ‘Tude | Indigo Spot - April 2nd, 2009
- Pursuit of Happiness: 32 Keys to Fulfillment | IQ Matrix Blog - July 24th, 2009
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I love it! Awesome post.
Isn’t it amazing how easily we can reframe things and instantly make ourselves feel better in the process?
My former supervisor never said the word “Problem.” Instead, she always found a way to rephrase and turn something into an “Opportunity.” Even though I knew it was a clever trick to talk me down off the ledge of piss-offed-ness, it worked every time!
@Maria: That’s cool. Or at least partially cool. (: It reminds me of another rephrasing I use often, which is saying “challenging” instead of “difficult”. It reframes it as something I can use to stretch my limits and increase my skills, as opposed to something that’s simply annoyingly hard.
Hi Alex,
Should is my most hated word on the face of the planet. Glad it ranks # 1 in most awful words that sap your happiness. Great article. Thumbs up!
Cheers,
Jeremy
Sorry. Read it too fast! hehe. Thank you Pace and Kyeli for an awesome article!
J
Great list of top life shaping words!
Our mindsets shape our thoughts shape our feelings shape our actions.
When people tell me they can’t, I ask them to prove it. It’s funny what people learn when they test their can’ts.
@Jeremy: Thanks!
@J.D.: That’s exciting. I think I’ll start asking people to test their can’ts too. Thanks for sharing that!
Hi
Great reminders. We don’t know what we are instilling in our mind and lives without realising it simply by our choice of words.
Add one? Mm, “difficult”
Something doesn’t have to be “difficult”, it can be “challenging” or even “interesting”
Juliet
Changing your internal dialogue is a great way to put a positive spin on things, and I had touched upon this in my self improvement website as well. Changing our daily vocabulary is an excellent way to achieve this objective, and your article neatly summarizes simple ways to do this. Thanks for sharing!
Prashant
Impossible. I believe this is one of the most overused, and misused word. Whenever people say impossible, they kill off any possibility of succeeding in whatever they want to do. Just take a look at Adidas slogan, “Impossible is nothing.” We should have this motto in our life.
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
Such a fantastic post. I loved what i read. Ill make sure to follow 10 next time around
@Juliet: Yay! I love rephrasing “difficult”, in fact I use “challenging” or “interesting” myself!
@Prashant: Thanks, glad you enjoyed it!
@Vincent: Agreed!
@$$: Thanks!
A useful post – I have been incorporating the first eight in to my vocabulary for a while, and have been finding it very helpful. The last two, however, are a new suggestion. Thank you for the additional advice! It makes me wonder if there are other categories of “landmine words”, things that we (I?) would be better served by avoiding. Obligation, Limits, Violence; what else do we (I?) want to eliminate from our (my?) vocabulary.
(Parentheticals included since it is entirely possible we have differing priorities. My desires and goals here may well not be universal. Perhaps some people or situations even benefit from obligations and limiting phrases?)
@Bethany: Some other categories of words that Kyeli and I have worked on eliminating from our vocabulary are:
- wishy-washy words like “like” when it’s not necessary (which, we’ve found, is most of the time)
- Christian words (we’re not Christian, but it’s still hard to break the habit of saying “Oh my God” or other related phrases)
- sexual and bodily function swear words (I don’t like the idea of implying that sex and bodily functions are bad, but yowzers, it sure is hard to find alternatives that don’t totally spatoot the patootie.)
Those are a few of ours. I’m sure that people will have differing priorities. Even limiting words help people feel safe and secure inside their shells of limitations. If that’s what you truly feel best serves you, then maybe that’s right for you. Please let me know if you come up with some more categories; I’d be interested to hear what you come up with! (:
I think getting rid of the word “have to” was good. “Have to” definitely makes you feel obligated and drains your energy – it implies you have no choice. Great post!
Thanks, Adam!
the best for you