You’ll Love This Doctor

You’ll Love This Doctor

Caution: Don’t read this without your sense of humor. I don’t know original source, so if you point it out, I’ll cite it.

Q: Doctor,  I’ve heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that’s it…  don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?  Take a  nap.

Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source  of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.

Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake?
A: No,  not at all.  Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine, that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you  get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out  of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one  to one. If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t  think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q:  Aren’t  fried  foods bad for you?

A:  YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …..  Foods are fried these days in  vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it.  How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you?

:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft  around  the middle?
A: Definitely not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?
A:  Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good   food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?
A:  If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather  to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one  hand – chocolate in  the other – body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO  HOO, What a  Ride’


For  those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final  word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine
and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red  wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than   Americans.


Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Posted by in Health | May 29, 2009 | Digg | | Stumble | Print | 15 comments

  • Jens Upton

    Excellent research!
    That’s reason enough for me to stop exercising.
    Upon learning my car ran on recylcled fossil fuels I made a decision to vastly reduce my walking and use my car more.


  • Lisis

    FANTASTIC! I was just commenting on A Content Life yesterday that I’d LOVE to find some scientific evidence suggesting that a healthy lifestyle does more harm than good. Not sure this counts as scientific evidence, but it sure did fill that void I was missing… at least temporarily.

    It’s official, I’m switching to Spanish! Gracias, Alex… te lo agradezco! 😉

  • Sarah Merion

    This is so funny, it’s almost pathetic! Hopefully this article won’t get in the hands of the wrong person who might actually think its real!!

  • Jonathan Lockwood

    “So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.” Common-sense intelligence like this is sorely missing from our typical, daily information flow. Thank you.

  • Alex Shalman

    @Jonathan Lockwood – please add smiley faces after such statements… otherwise I get scared… =)

  • Vlad Dolezal

    Now THAT’s a doctor I could listen to!

    Oh, and if someone argues that eating a cow is not like eating grain, because you need to go the source… just tell them to stand an the sun and get their energy that way – that’s REALLY going to the source!

  • Jake | Revive Your Life

    That’s good stuff. It’s true that we need to take a break once and a while from a regimen that focuses so heavily on being healthy – this article helps bring that to light. Enjoying life’s little pleasures in moderation (chocolate, wine, etc.) surely improve one’s sense of well-being. How couldn’t they?

  • J.D. Meier

    At least he connected the dots. I always thought some English words were pretty potent.

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  • Bas

    I get lots of good reaction from colleagues that read this article.
    A good laugh indeed! Why always so serious 🙂

  • Celes | EmbraceLiving.Net

    LOL, this is hilarious! I hope people don’t take this seriously…

  • Shaine Mata

    I think Mark Twain said that whenever he felt the urge to exercise, he would sit down and let it pass.

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  • Mei Qing

    “If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.”
    The whales should have better shape than us. LOL.
    Awesome! Where’s this doctor comes from??
    Good advice anyway… 🙂

  • Jeannine Brusseau

    My philosophy was always – why diet when it only works well in congress with exercise? I don’t plan on any regimen for exercise, so why bother about what I eat?