You’ll Love This Doctor
Caution: Don’t read this without your sense of humor. I don’t know original source, so if you point it out, I’ll cite it.
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride’
AND…..
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Posted by Alex Shalman in Health | May 29, 2009 | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumble | Print | 15 comments
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Excellent research!
That’s reason enough for me to stop exercising.
Upon learning my car ran on recylcled fossil fuels I made a decision to vastly reduce my walking and use my car more.
Thanks
Jens
FANTASTIC! I was just commenting on A Content Life yesterday that I’d LOVE to find some scientific evidence suggesting that a healthy lifestyle does more harm than good. Not sure this counts as scientific evidence, but it sure did fill that void I was missing… at least temporarily.
It’s official, I’m switching to Spanish! Gracias, Alex… te lo agradezco!
This is so funny, it’s almost pathetic! Hopefully this article won’t get in the hands of the wrong person who might actually think its real!!
“So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.” Common-sense intelligence like this is sorely missing from our typical, daily information flow. Thank you.
@Jonathan Lockwood – please add smiley faces after such statements… otherwise I get scared… =)
Now THAT’s a doctor I could listen to!
Oh, and if someone argues that eating a cow is not like eating grain, because you need to go the source… just tell them to stand an the sun and get their energy that way – that’s REALLY going to the source!
That’s good stuff. It’s true that we need to take a break once and a while from a regimen that focuses so heavily on being healthy – this article helps bring that to light. Enjoying life’s little pleasures in moderation (chocolate, wine, etc.) surely improve one’s sense of well-being. How couldn’t they?
At least he connected the dots. I always thought some English words were pretty potent.
I get lots of good reaction from colleagues that read this article.
A good laugh indeed! Why always so serious
LOL, this is hilarious! I hope people don’t take this seriously…
I think Mark Twain said that whenever he felt the urge to exercise, he would sit down and let it pass.
“If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.”
The whales should have better shape than us. LOL.
Awesome! Where’s this doctor comes from??
Good advice anyway…
My philosophy was always – why diet when it only works well in congress with exercise? I don’t plan on any regimen for exercise, so why bother about what I eat?