Alex Shalman.comPractical Personal Development

This is a guest post by Tim Brownson.

When Alex asked me if I would like to write a post entitled 12 Transformational Life Coach Tricks, I was like, “Wow, that could be tough, because these are topics that I often spend 1,500 words on and up and I’m sure he doesn’t want a 20,000 word guest post.

However, as I started to think about it , I warmed to the idea. After all, my Twitter training over the last year or so should mean I can keep things relatively short when I have to.

Before we kick off, please understand that these are brief and really meant to whet your appetite. I’d encourage you, if some resonate with you, to do some research. This is some of the best stuff I do with clients, but best of all, for you it’s free and what’s not to love about that?

1. You’re #1

Here’s a shocking start to kick things off with.

You’re the most important person in the world to you.

That’s right, it’s not your kids, your parents or even The Pope, it is you! Without you, everything else in your reality ceases to exist. So be kind to yourself, ALWAYS. You’re doing the best you can with the information you have at hand. You mess up, you make mistakes and you make stupid decisions because we all do.

Treat yourself with the kind of respect you would like from others at all times. If you don’t like other people hurling abuse or disrespecting you, don’t do it to yourself.. ever!

2. Shut The Duck Up

We all have a voice, or more often than not, voices, inside our own head. Mine used to sound like a whiny bad tempered old duck. It would quack away at me telling me what a loser I was and how things were always my fault.

The weird thing is I never realized I had control of the duck. I thought he was a magic duck that ran rampant down the empty corridors of my mind, but apparently not.

Trying to shoot him never seemed to work, he’d just bounce back tougher and more determined than ever. So we had a chat and agreed to work together. I promised to take him seriously when things did get tough and he promised to be more supportive and easy going and not be so whiny. It was a classic win/win for me and Dilbert (I can’t believe Tim named his imaginary duck hehe ~Alex).

3. Mind Your Language

You communicate internally primarily through the pictures you make and the conversations (often at an unconscious level) you have with yourself. I know that because it’s what we all do. The language you use is absolutely critical in determining how you feel about your life.

Words and phrases like ‘Have to’, ‘Must do’ ‘Got to’ ‘Need to’ are seldom useful. They stifle choice, make you feel bad and ultimately lower self-esteem if you then don’t follow through and do whatever it is you say you simply ‘have to do’.

Replace them with “Want to” Would like to’ and ‘Love to’ to change your perception. It may feel weird at first, but in time you’ll see a huge benefit. After all, saying “I need another piece of cake’ is rarely accurate in my experience.

4. Value Your Values

My own readers are quite frankly sick to death of me banging on about values, but do you know what your values are?

If you don’t, you don’t know yourself and you don’t truly know what motivates and drives you. Get to know your values because they dictate everything in your life and I do mean everything. They are at the core of your identity and dictate what job you do, who your friends are, what you like in a partner, whether you are a Church goer or not and even whether you like 24

5. Don’t Always Believe in Your Beliefs

Beliefs are opinions and nothing more. Ok, I suppose they can be facts too, but more often than not they aren’t. If you have a belief that you aren’t good enough, old enough, wealthy enough, attractive enough or clever enough, you want to lose it and lose it fast.

Beliefs like that will only hold you back and they need battering like a Faroe Islander batters a baby seal and with about as much compassion. Undermine them, look for contrary evidence and ridicule them. You are good enough, as long as you believe you are.

6. Ask Better Questions

Why am I such a loser? is not a great question, trust me. What can I do differently next time? is though.

Drop the ‘why’s ’ that push you into defense mode and ask more ‘hows’, ‘who’s’ and ‘what’s’. How can I improve? What can I learn from this? Who can help me?

7. Not Yet

Never ever tell yourself you cannot do something if it’s something you’d like to achieve. If you want to lose weight but can’t, saying “I can’t lose weight” will make things worse. It sends a signal to the unconscious that it’s a done deal and nothing can be done to change things because it is a statement of fact (even if it really isn’t one).

By using the ‘yet’ word you change the context and the emotion of the language. “I can’t lose weight” is a whole different ball game to “I haven’t managed to lose weight yet” The latter does two things. It pushes the problem into the past where it belongs and presupposes that things can and will change in the future. Hurrah!

8. Reframe It!

This is possibly the single most important skill you can use in changing your subjective experience, and one that the vast majority of highly successful people are good at.

Take a negative belief, situation, conversation etc and try and look at it from another point of view. Come up with as many positive scenarios as possible and don’t give up until you get at least one new perspective that makes you feel better about it.

The scenarios can be global i.e. by thinking “Oh well at least this is giving me some valuable experience” or they can be more local and specific when you look at just that particular event such as “Ok so the dog just threw up on the carpet, at least it’s not a new one, or that gives me an opportunity to buy a new one etc.”

People sometimes tell me this is unrealistic and I laugh in their face, metaphorically speaking of course. Who cares about realism if you feel better? Isn’t life about feeling good? Mine is.

You can reframe pretty much anything when you get good at it. Simply ask yourself the question “What else can this mean?

9. Anchor That Feeling

Once upon a time a man called Ivan from Ryazan in deepest darkest Russia had a dog. His dog loved steak and Ivan loved to feed him. He would ring his bell to let Roverski know his dinner was ready. The little scamp would bound up to eat salivating and licking his chops as he ran and would then wolf his food down like a wolf.

Then one day Ivan rang the bell with no food and Roverski attacked him and bit his face off. I’m not totally sure about that last bit, but it probably happened like that.

You probably know about Ivan Pavlov, his dog and his bell, so you also know what a conditioned response is.

If you have ever been violently ill after drinking tequila there is a very good chance you now avoid said beverage. The reason is your body has developed a conditioned response that makes you feel ill even before you drink the damn stuff.

That’s the downside, but the upside is you get to make some of your own. I know, how brilliant is that?

If you want confidence at the drop of a hat, you can have it. If you want calmness, you can have that too. You can even have fun if you want.

A word of warning though. Sometimes emotions are with us for good reason and turning yourself into Pollyanna is not advisable.

If you want to know more you’re gonna have to check out this YouTube demo because it would take too long to explain here.

10. Breathe

Do you know how many people breathe incorrectly? No, neither have I, but it’s a huge majority, so that probably includes you I’m sorry to say. Well big deal, what are the downsides you may be wondering? Oh nothing much, just a higher likelihood of having a heart attack and increased stress levels leading to other illnesses and poor sleep patterns.

Practice slow breathing from the diaphragm making sure your stomach rises first and you draw the air in from the bottom.  I know ladies, pushing your tummy out feels just ‘so wrong’ but probably not as wrong as being on a morphine drip.

If you have control of your breathing it is impossible to be anxious. If you don’t believe me, next time you feel panicky, check in with your breath. It will be shallower and more rapid than normal and much higher in your chest.

Push it back down where it belongs and you’ll start to relax accordingly.

11. What Is The Real Cost Of Procrastination

Do you procrastinate? Most of us do at least occasionally, but what is it costing you? Are you putting off feeling brilliant about yourself?

Think about what you have to lose if you don’t go all out for your dream. It may be helpful to write down a list of as many things as you can think of.

Look past the glaringly obvious for the knock on effects.

Remember; on the whole we regret more the things that we don’t do, than those we do. Promise to yourself that you’ll not sit on your talent a moment longer. Otherwise, you will not simply be doing a disservice to yourself, but also the people that will miss out on what you have to offer.

Of course this is primarily for you, but also I know you well enough now to believe it is for other people too.

12. Just Say No!

The more successful you become the more people will see you as a resource and want you to help them. Ask Alex how many requests he gets for help now compared to when he started his blog?

By disciplining yourself now you become better at it later. Think of people in your field that are super successful and you look up to. Do you think they have the time to say yes to everybody that wants some of their time? Do you think people think worse of them for that fact?

How many invitations do you think Oprah accepts in proportion to how many she declines? 100 to 1? 1,000 to 1? The fact is you can decline offers gracefully and without offending anybody, or you can take too much on and stress yourself senseless whilst the people that you are helping out are sunning themselves on the beach.

See #1 and put yourself first from time to time.

Tim Brownson is an Englishman, but we won’t hold that against him since he’s still awesome! He’s a certified Life Coach and has opinions the size of mountains over at ADaringAdventure.com. (Tim on Twitter)

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