‘How Can I Get Through to You?‘ is a relationship book by bestselling author and nationally renowned therapist Terrence Real. Subtitled ‘Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women’, this book explains how to do just that. Terrence hand picks real cases that he has experienced over his years as a therapist, and presents lessons in relational-communication like no one I have ever read.

Two problems that this book addresses are:

1. If you are a woman who is unfulfilled in your marriage . . . if you feel unheard or overburdened . . . if you quietly live in a state of slow-burn resentment . . .

2. If you are a man unhappy that you partner seems so unhappy with you . . . if you feel bewildered, unappreciated, or betrayed . . .

These seem like common problems in today’s society. It is my belief that if people are educated about why they react a certain way to a certain situation, and form a deep understanding of themselves, then they will be equipped to deal with similar situations in their own lives.

Why reinvent the wheel?

There is no reason why we couldn’t use someone else’s experience in order to avoid a mistake or otherwise painful or unpleasant situation. This book provides that experience for us, without facing a failed marriage, divorce, and other emotional anguish.

Quotes from the book

“Revenge is really a perverse form of communication, a twisted attempt at repair.”

It is really eye opening to be able to make the distinction between your partner acting maliciously towards you versus desperately trying to get a message through to you. Once you realize that you aren’t under attack, you are in a better position to listen, and resolve the issue, instead of responding in a way that would prolong or escalate the fight.

“Like many women offenders, when confronted she moved into the victim role.”

This part of the book made me wish I had read this book years ago. At one point I was actually drafting a post about the ‘victim mentality’, but felt like I needed more insight before I posted more on that topic. However, Terrence does a great job at illustrating this in chapter 11 of his book, so my recommendation is to read what he has to say.

“The difference between real acceptance and just backing away from an issue or away from the whole relationship, is resentment.”

How many times have we half-resolved an issue, and then moped around resenting our partner for the unfairness of this decision? Yes, I’m sure this never happened to you, but if it has Terrence offers a simple solution. Go back to the negotiation table! There is never a good reason to leave such issues unresolved, so agreeing on a mutually acceptable decision in the best way to go about this.

“The truth is that relationships do not make us happy. Relationships are the crucible in which we get to work on ourselves, in which we have the opportunity to stretch, grow, and if we are fortunate, thrive.”

After hearing that you should be fine being single before you are in a relationship for years, this quote was a bit counterintuitive for me. It now makes sense that when you’re in a close relationship with another person, you’re going to notice where you need to pick up slack, in pretty much every area of your life. This self-awareness makes relationships a great place for self-growth.

If you’ve found this review helpful you can buy How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women from amazon.com.