A Simple Hack To Fast-Forward To A Winning Personality
Thanks to my friend Brian Tracy for inspiring this idea!
“Everyone tries to define this thing called Character. It’s not hard. Character is doing what’s right when nobody’s looking.” ~Albert Einstein
Today more than ever people want instantaneous results. It’s hardly a matter of finding the shortest line from point A to point B anymore. It’s now a matter of blinking and getting what we want.
This is why the idea of fast forwarding to become the ideal person has so much appeal to people. It’s a promise of instant results- just the way we like it.
The principle that the best way to get rid of bad habits is by replacing them with good habits also applies to negative and positive character traits. The problem is that we don’t always see our own negative characteristics and that is where we could use a little assistance.
This is my take of an exercise I learned from Brian Tracy. I’ve personally used this exercise and gathered some interesting evidence on myself. Some was obvious, but some came as a big surprise. Let’s first take a look on how you get gather some ‘evidence on yourself as well’ - keep reading.
Constructive Criticism Exercise
The point of the exercise is to gather a list of negative characteristics about ourselves in order to step up our character and become a better person. What we’re going to do is ask people in our life, that know us, to give us a little feedback as to how they perceive us.
Here’s a basic sample of how I ask for feedback:
I’m doing a self-improvement exercise and I would love it if you could help me out by answering one question. Could you tell me one characteristic about ‘me’ that you believe is holding me back in life, or any other way. What’s the one biggest thing? I’m really asking for it here, so don’t hold back- it’s like free punches
General guidelines:
- My personal experience tells me that many people will want to participate in this exercise right as you tell them about it. They will give you feedback and say “ok now tell me something negative about myself”. So before you talk to someone make sure you are ready for them to ask that question and that you are comfortable with answering them. It wouldn’t be fair if you didn’t reciprocate.
- Upon hearing their feedback you are not allowed to explain yourself, nor are you allowed to get defensive. You need to accept that what they say is legitimately the way THEY perceive you. Ask yourself, why is it that I am perceived this way. If you great negative feelings from their response, ask yourself why this is and if you getting angry or upset too easily is one of your negative characteristics.
- You are allowed to ask two questions:
- “Could you please give me an example?”
- “Would you please tell me more?”
- If people cannot think of anything, ask them to take some time and get back to you when they can. Do not pressure them to tell you negative characteristics, because not everyone is going to be comfortable with this.
Who To Ask?
- Family. Your family are the people who know you the best and will likely not sugar coat your negative character traits. They’ll be honest, so be prepared.
- Friends. Not all your friends will be up front with telling you what’s “wrong” with you. However, the few that will indulge you will reveal some great things for you to work on.
- Co-workers. They see you everyday, sometimes even more than your friends and family, so they’ll be able to treat you to some negative characteristics about yourself.
- First Impressions. After meeting someone for the first time, go ahead and ask them for an honest first impression of you. Tell them you’re doing a self-improvement exercise in fixing up your first impression and would like to know how you’re doing.
- Exes. This wonderful group of people definitely know your negative characteristics. They’ve been going around talking about them to other people since you broke up. If you’re willing to open up that can of worms, than you have an endless pit of negative characteristics to work on from this group.
After Evidence Is Gathered
Congratulations! You are now a proud owner of a list of ways in which you suck at life. Aren’t you excited? I remember just how excited I was. It is the opportunity to take these little nuances about yourself and completely replace them with positive winning character traits. You can even use the principles laid out for you in Life Design Experiment (LDE) in order to guide you through the whole process.
The one thing you will notice about this exercise is that some things that were told back to you were just so obvious. It makes you wonder how come you didn’t just make these changes all by yourself? The reason is that most of us have little blinders on to how we are being, and it often takes an outsiders perspective to get us going.
“Let us not say, every man is the architect of his own fortune; but let us say, every man is the architect of his own character.”
~George D. Boardman quotes
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Posted by Alex Shalman in Personal Development | March 20, 2008 | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumble | Print | 9 comments
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Alex
I LOVE this post. In fact I think it’s a great one. It takes courage to be vulnerable and invite others to give feedback that helps you to grow as a person. I also think it takes a higher self-esteem to receive the information without personalizing it negatively and launching into defensiveness and explanation as you mentioned.
In January, I wrote a post on What Makes You Fabulous, Lovable, Wonderfull…? http://www.powerfull-living.biz/blog/2008/01/13/what-makes-you-fabulous-lovable-wonderfull/ with the same intention to solicit feedback as I was working through some healing on self-worth. While I was able to come up with things I saw in myself, receiving the loving comments from others was challenging - to let it in without deflecting it.
I encourage anyone reading your post to experiment with your suggestions with select people they feel will show up positively and honestly.
Cheers,
Lorraine
http://www.powerfull-living.biz/blog
Gosh, for a second there, I thought you were actually asking for feedback. . . .
It’s a great idea that takes courage. It also takes asking the right folks for the feedback, those who can offer what’s useful and not what isn’t necessary.
Even the issue of asking is an art. Many folks would feel uncomfortable because they’ve been asked such questions before and had the experience backfire on them. Some folks ask and then don’t listen, or worse get mad anyway. They worry that we might do the same thing.
Lorraine is right a careful experimentation with your suggestions to select people who will show up positively and honestly will make a big difference.
I think this is a good general practice to ensure that we’re continuing to progress in our lives. I’ve always believed that all the negativity I’ve had in my life has only contributed to any success that I’ve had. The more you are able to clearly look at yourself in the mirror and analyze yourself (which is the general concept around your method I believe), the better equipped you will be to change yourself for the better. Nobody likes to hear criticism, but using it as a way to make yourself better makes it sting a lot less.
Friendly advice: You need to do some basic spell checking and re-reading of your writing in order to taken seriously. Carol
Friendly response: Thankx! =)
Brian Tracy always says you have to pay full price for success and you have to pay that price, in advance.
However, as you basically indicate, we live in a society that wants everything quickly. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way.
Take care
Mr Positioning (Stanley F. Bronstein, Atty, CPA, Author and Professional Speaker)
Alex, I love this.
I think there’s a great deal of value in not being strategic in your asking, or you may get false positives. I often give this as homework for folks who are having trouble getting through to “yes” — work searches, informational interviews, etc., changes in career path etc. One tweak I’d offer is to make the request by phone, but let people answer you by email if they’re uncomfortable on the spot.
This exercise is usually overwhelmingly positive, and reveals lots of common themes and threads.
2 cents
I used these basic principles as well in my upcoming ebook about helping people with their spiritual growth goals through story writing. It’s a bit easier with story-writing though because there’s a lot of ways to invite that criticism - one of my favorites is to just ask somebody if they’ll read the story in your presence.
Oftentimes as much is said by the body language as is from the words, so for all those who are going to try your constructive criticism technique I encourage, when possible, to do it in person. Not only does it allow us to see what’s going on, it also allows to communicate both ways with more compassion (especially in this digital age).
Gutsy Post Alex.
The best way for us to grow is to get ‘constructive’ feedback about ourselves.
It’s important to be humble and not to be precious about the feedback we receive. Only then can we start to work on improving ourselves.
Craig